


Fix Me

by Littlewriterlexi



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Coping, Dark, Dark Past, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Lena helps Kara, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Romance, Sad, Sex, SuperCorp, Tragic Romance, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-02-16 13:55:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18692872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlewriterlexi/pseuds/Littlewriterlexi
Summary: The story of Kara's abuse and how it changed her, running parallel to the story of her recovery as she finds help in an unexpected place after meeting Lena Luthor.  After coming out to her adoptive parents, she realizes what a mistake that was. The emotional and physical abuse she suffered afterward would change her forever, leaving her unable to speak, turning her completely mute. Years later she's never recovered but she meets a stranger in a game shop that has the potential to change her life around for the better - If Kara will let her. Follow the journey of Kara's abuse and the way she comes back from it and who knows? Maybe she can find out that she still has the potential to be a hero after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**_2010_ **

 

I still remember the moment I found out I was gay. There are so many movies and television shows out there that make it out to be some big, life-changing thing. Maybe that’s how it is for other people, I honestly wouldn’t know. I’ve never gotten the opportunity to ask other women, or men, what it was like for them when they realized they liked people of the same sex. I only know my story and it’s really not that exciting at all, kind of boring actually. I’d always known there was something off about me, not in a bad way, just that I was different. While all my friends, the few I had, would discuss the cute boys or how they hoped their prince charming would sweep them off their feet I would usually sit there and do my own thing. They were all freaking out about who was hot in whatever Earth film was coming out next and I’d see the love interest and couldn’t help but think to myself that they were a lot more attractive than the male lead. It was a bunch of small things like that. They built up until one day it just sort of clicked and I realized that I was gay. It didn’t seem like such a big deal to me back then. That’s where we start off. I realized I was gay but my day went on like it normally did. I was happy to be alive, my life wasn’t perfect but I didn’t have much to complain about. Sure, I lost my entire planet but I was lucky enough to be taken in by a loving Earth family. 

When I crashed here on Earth I was supposed to take care of my cousin Kal-El. Something went wrong with my pod though and by the time I actually reached Earth my baby cousin was all grown up and had become Earth’s greatest her. I, on the other hand, had remained a little girl. He’d stuck me with the Danvers’, not out of any malice but for my own safety. My childhood proceeded pretty normally after that though. I went to a human school, tried to make human friends (usually without much success) and just tried to not get noticed. Kal came by often at first, teaching me to use my abilities. Turns out one of the only perks of being here on Earth was that their sun made me basically invincible. I’d still rather have my family bag but beggars can’t be choosers. 

My new family was nice enough anyway. Jeremiah and Eliza were both very kind to me. They’d taken their time to help me adjust to life on Earth and had obviously agreed to take me in at great personal risk. I wasn’t entirely clear on how my cousin had come to know either of them, he’d only grumbled something about a mutual friend or acquaintance. My new father was a scientist of some kind but I don’t think it was anything particularly exciting. Eliza stayed at home usually and she was a great mom. The best I could ask for considering what had happened to mine. Both were very religious, heavily into Earth’s Christianity. I thought it was of interest but it wasn’t so easy to shake off the teachings of Rao, Krypton’s God. I did my best to listen and though I didn’t have the same faith that Eliza and Jeremiah did I could at least acknowledge that the lessons to be taken in the stories told each Sunday were worth hearing. 

My new sister was less pleased with my sudden appearance. She was older to me and could be mean at times. I don’t think Alex hated me though. She was petty and occasionally cruel but she was also a kid who’d gotten a weird, alien sister that she’d never asked for. I blamed her a lot when we were younger but I’ve forgiven her since then. It couldn’t have been easy living under those circumstances. 

So yeah, my life wasn’t awful. I had a good family, a roof over my head, I’d learned (and been forbidden to use) how to control my powers. I tried to take things one day at a time. Sometimes I was even happy. After the initial rebellion, the refusal to accept everyone I knew and loved was dead I got pretty attached to my new family. Eliza made my lunch every day and sent me off to school with a hug. Jeremiah would read to me at night, every single night, telling me anything I wanted to know about Earth and its peoples. This is what fascinated me the most. We bonded over these late night reading sessions and that attachment eventually turned to love. I knew, even back then, that I would never be okay again but this seemed pretty good for the next best thing. I was a total daddy’s girl, even on Krypton I’d been closer to my father than my mother and that had carried over with my Earth family.

They loved me, unconditionally. So I thought. 

My name is Kara Danvers and I’m a nerdy space alien who likes girls. That one realization, the one about liking girls, is the foundation for everything that’s happened to me in my life since then. It’s hard, at times, to not hate myself for something I can’t control and more often than not I fail at keeping those negative emotions at bay. I still do my best, even when it’s not good enough, even though it’s never good enough. That day I realized I liked girls, years after I crashed here, is the day where my entire life changed. It shouldn’t have, I don’t think. I’m not too sure anymore. It did though and not for the better. Since that day I’ve spent almost every day wishing I was normal, the one thing I can never be.

It was at dinner that night, while I was thinking about the events of the day that I thought I should mention my realization. I expected there to be laughter, a hug. I thought that my new parents would tell me they would love me no matter what. I fully expected Alex to tease me but that would be okay. That’s what sisters did, they teased each other. I still remember sitting there, my fork clattering too noisily against my food as I tried to figure out how to broach the subject. It was actually Eliza that noticed me looking distant.

“Kara, sweetheart, you’ve barely touched your dinner. Is everything alright?”

I looked up, brushing back some of my sunshine strands behind my ear, my blue eyes so wide and still so innocent. I looked back down at my food almost immediately and cleared my throat. “It’s just that today I realized something about myself. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you and Jeremiah.” 

Alex huffed and rolled her eyes and I don’t know why I was surprised. It was typical Alex and whenever I had something to say about my life, or myself she usually had some snide comment to go along with it. “We get it, loser, you’re from space.” 

My head shot up, eyes filled with anger. “It’s not that, stupid!”

“Alex stop antagonizing your sister.” Eliza shot out, far too casually.

“She’s not my si-”

“I don’t want to hear it Alex.” her tone hardened and that was how Alex knew she shouldn’t push any further. Jeremiah barely acknowledged anything that was going on, he had nothing to say yet. Eliza’s voice softened to its normal tone as she addressed me. “What did you realize Kara?”

I hastily shoved a bite of chicken into my mouth, to delay what I had made inevitable at this point. I chewed slowly and if it were possible to swallow slowly I’d have done that too. Eventually there was nothing left to distract me so I was forced to speak. “I think I like girls more than boys.” I stated, doing my best to keep my voice calm. The moment I said it though it was like there was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, a weight I didn’t even know was there. I felt like myself, truly. It might have been the best I’d felt since crashing to Earth. 

That’s probably why I was so confused by everyone else’s reactions. Alex shifted uncomfortably, suddenly slouching as she focused way too intensely on her dinner. Eliza began eating again but she seemed strange, but still okay. She looked worried though and maybe kind of hopeful. Jeremiah on the other hand had clutched his fork a little tighter. He had grown strangely aggressive, at least that’s what I took to his body language. I started to frown and before I could say anything else Jeremiah spoke, saying the first words I’d heard from him since I’d gotten home from school.

“Of course you do, sweetie. You’re a girl so it’s not unusual for you to want to be friends with girls.” he said in an oddly robotic tone.

I understood at least though, he was confused. That’s why no one had reacted, they just hadn’t understood what I meant. That was easy to clear up, at least. “No, dad, I think you misunderstood. I like girls, like… Romantically.” I tried again.

Eliza was shifting uncomfortably as Alex had done moments before and Jeremiah just seemed angrier for some reason. His face scrunched up, almost in disgust and he shoved another bite of chicken into his mouth with a look I can only describe as disgusted. He set his fork down and turned towards me completely. “Kara, I think you’re confused. Girls can’t like girls, that’s not how it works.”

“Uh…  Yes it can.” I replied, my confusion only growing as this conversation went on. “It’s not that unusual.”

He took a deep breath, sighing as he seemingly tried to control his anger. “No, Kara, it can’t. Women like men and men like women. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Anything else is a sin and I think you must be confused, sweetie, because no darling of mine is going to be a sinner.”

Looking back on it, I guess I didn’t realize how threatening that sounded because we were supposed to be family. Family was always there for you and if I’d known what continuing this conversation was going to get me I probably would have stopped. At that point it wasn’t too late to say I’d been kidding, or mistaking. Instead I did what I did back then and pushed. I was feisty back then, always willing to fight. I wanted to stand up for what I believed in and what I believed in was equal rights. “Yeah, well, back on Krypton it was f-”

He’d set his fork down and slammed both of his palms onto the table. I was so shocked I jumped and stopped speaking completely. “Well you’re not on Krypton anymore, are you!” he bellowed, absolutely furious now. 

I turned to Eliza, gesturing towards her husband. “Mom, you can’t really believe this can you?”

“Listen to your father honey.” she replied.

Yeah. That’s right. I was a kid, I was confused. I thought I was just finding out who I was and I was being told it was wrong, it was a sin. I don’t think people understand how badly that can mess you up, how badly it hurts to hear something like that coming from somebody you love. I came home expecting support and what I got was resentment. I wasn’t just upset I was downright pissed off. “This isn’t fair!” I replied. It didn’t make much sense but it was true. There was nothing fair about what was happening there. As disgusted as Jeremiah looked I was just as disgusted with him but there was still a part of me that was holding on to hope. I knew with enough time I could get them to see reason. “There’s nothing wrong wi-”

“Go to your room, Kara. Right now.”

“You’re not serious!”

“For fucks sake go to your room Kara, right now!” He screamed back at me, making me recoil again. I just sat there, staring blankly at him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, what I was seeing. My bottom lip began to quiver, and that was the first time I remember feeling ashamed of who I was, because if it could make someone that angry maybe it really was something to be ashamed of. It had only been a few seconds but I hadn’t moved. I guess that was the wrong move.

“Get upstairs before I drag you there myself, young lady!” 

I got back up to my room faster than the human eye could track. They probably only saw a blur as I ran upstairs but thankfully that also meant they wouldn’t have seen me start to cry. When Alex came to bed that night she didn’t say a word. I don’t think she knows that I know but she did check to see if I was asleep. She thought I was, I think, because she pulled my blanket up a little more, I guess to make sure I was warm enough. She got into bed too then and fell asleep pretty fast. I didn’t sleep all night. 

 

//

 

**_2018_ **

 

Many years had passed since that incident and Kara was still around and most definitely gay. She wasn’t the same person she’d been at the beginning though, no. The series of events the next few years held for her would change her life completely and forever. It only took a few years for her to turn into somebody that anyone who had once known her wouldn’t be able to recognize. She looked pretty average for all intents and purposes. She was still fairly short, though hadn’t measured herself in years. She was smaller than most other people she met, fi that was enough for comparison. Her blonde hair had grown much longer since she was a kid and keeping it long was something that had become incredibly important to her, so she intended to grow it out as long as she could. It already grew to near where her butt was and that was impressive in itself. She’d grown into a beautiful young woman, so some people tried to tell her. She was skinny, fit even from the running she did most days and her chest had developed incredibly nicely. Her legs were long, somehow, despite her being rather short and her eyes had always remained the same shade of blue, though they’d lost some of their light since her journey into adulthood. 

All of this was from other people’s eyes though. When Kara herself looked into a mirror all she saw was a shell. A shell of the former, happy girl she’d once been. She wasn’t pretty and in fact most days she barely felt like she was alive. She was held together by nothing more than scotch tape and paperclips. A house of cards being assaulted by the wind, always ready to fall apart and fall. Unworthy of all things but still trying to find some sort of joy in life, trying to find somewhere she could belong. During high school she’d lost most of her friends, in fact she was really, mostly, only in contact with one. It had turned out nobody wanted to be friends with the weird gay girl. She wasn’t going to get invited to many sleepovers, it was perverse they said. They didn’t want a gay girl sleeping beside them, she might try to touch them or something. (Kara hadn’t actually heard anything like this, she just imagined that was how it had gone down.) She’d even lost touch with Kal mostly, she’d decided he could never find out the state her life had gotten in and since he was usually busy saving the world it was easy to keep such things from him. A few texts here and there and boom! Kara’s secrets were kept safe.

She’d also moved across the country to get away from her family, except for Alex who had helped her get a job out here. Kara worked as a cook in a kitchen. It was nothing glamorous but it at least worked, or at the very least it put money in her bank account and food on her table, when she managed to remember to eat. She hated it there though and everybody who worked there hated her too, so it was mutual. Kara didn’t hate them, actually. Just didn’t understand why they were so cruel to her. One might wonder why she didn’t use her strength to take care of that or even used her powers to get a better life for herself. She wished she could but Kara had lost access to her abilities years ago. They were still there, hidden, it was just that using them would most likely result in her dying, not that she didn’t usually consider that as an acceptable option. 

Kara spent most of her free time playing video games. It was a good hobby to have considering that she spent the summer unemployed while still getting paid. One of the only perks of where she worked. She got pretty lazy in the summer and rarely saw other people due to her habit of trying to sleep in the day and remain awake at night. This made her the perfect target for MMO type games. It was the only kind of interaction she got, though a couple of years ago she’d lost most of those friends too and had only gotten back into her online game of choice about a year prior to this. She had a few good friends she could rely on, at least. It was no superhero’s life but, again, it was her life and she was trying to make the most of it even if it didn’t always work. 

There was one, final difference between the Kara back then and the present day Kara. This Kara was no longer able to speak. She’d lost her voice somewhere along the way. Selective mutism she’d been told it was called, back when she’d originally been diagnosed. It could be brought on by trauma, apparently. It was funny how losing her entire planet hadn’t traumatized her enough to be silent but the stuff that had come later had. It wasn’t just the mutism though, Kara had lost the fire in her belly, her rebellious spirit, her attitude. She’d lost all of that and been replaced with the shell she saw in the mirror every day. She’d developed some severe anxiety that prevented her from even normally living her life, she’d grown fearful of everything and she had become hollow, unable even to sleep lest she be plagued by horrible nightmares. 

That’s where the gaming came in. Kara wasn’t one to go up and speak to people much anymore, mutism had a way of making it complicated to engage in conversations. Kara never went anywhere without a pocket-sized notepad and a pen but that was just in case her phone died. Usually, she simply typed up what she needed to get across lickety-split and showed the phone to whoever she was ‘talking’ to. She tried to avoid doing this as much as possible, after all, she didn’t want to bother anyone. She knew how annoying and complicated it must be to hold a conversation with her, so the last thing Kara wanted was to impose any of that on another human being. The local gameshop wasn’t so bad though. The girl who worked cash there, a wonderful and happy, funky colored hair girl named Kas. She was actually attending the school where Kara worked. Well, the restaurant Kara worked at was located inside the college. They’d both found it funny how they’d never met despite both being on campus so much. 

Kas was incredibly understanding of Kara’s predicament. When Kara was craving a little social contact she usually made her way to the game store and hung around there for a couple of hours. It remained pretty dead most of the time and on the off chance that it got super busy, Kara would just leave without a sound. They texted occasionally too but their conflicting schedules had never allowed them to actually do anything outside of Kara’s occasional shop visits. Kas always seemed happy to see her though, so that was a plus. Kas had even drawn art of one of Kara’s MMO characters once, and she’d framed it and put it up in her room. 

That day, however, was a little different. Kas had explained that another one of her friends, Lena, would be stopping by as well to say hello. They hadn’t seen much of each other lately so Kas’ friend wanted to check up and chat a little. Kara obviously had no problem with this, in fact, it was strange that Kas had even mentioned it. When the friend walked in Kara didn’t even look in her direction. She slowly slinked away without a sound. It probably looked a little odd but not rude, she hoped. The store was extremely open so it wasn’t like she wouldn’t be noticed moving off to a corner on her own. She didn’t want to interrupt, that was all. Kara wasn’t even paying attention, actually. She’d lost herself in her head as she wandered around, observing the game cases. She knew where each one was by heart (some sometimes she visited and wandered around even when Kas wasn’t there…). She always looked at the same games. Perhaps it was the routine that was calming to her. She was reading through the back of one of the many Borderlands games when an unexpected, unknown and kind of unwelcome voice surprised her from behind.

“Whatcha thinking about playing?” 

Kara was so startled she jumped slightly. The game case flew out of her hands and she fumbled, trying to catch it as it fell towards the ground. It was all for naught because the game slipped through her fingers and clattered to the floor, even opening in the process. It probably didn’t look like a big deal but to Kara, it was one of the most mortifying events of… well, the day. Her cheeks reddened instantly and she was suddenly incredibly embarrassed,  this just made her want to cry. She leaned down to pick the game case up and slammed it shut, putting it back up on the shelf. 

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you. You just looked a little lonely over here so I thought I’d say hello. We have a mutual friend, anyway.” her voice was surprisingly calm, not too high-pitched. Even with those factors, Kara wasn’t expecting what she got when she turned around. 

Meeting people was bad. Meeting girls was worse. Meeting attractive girls was apocalyptic, especially since she tried to not think about other girls in that way too often. Not because she was one of those repressed gays who’d gone back in the closet, just the idea of dating was, in her opinion, a bad one so it seemed safer for her, and potential love interests, to not mingle. This girl definitely fell into the apocalyptic category. At first glance, it might have been easy to mistake her look for shaggy, what with the dark, baggy clothes and the piercings but there was a certain air of elegance about it. If anyone were to judge this girl based on her appearance they would most likely be disappointed. She seemed friendly enough, not too scary, though Kara tried her best not to look, opting to focus on her feet instead. She did sigh lightly though, fidgeting with her phone between both hands.

“I’m Lena. I hope you’re not too upset with me. I guess that wasn’t a very good first impression.” she laughed softly, as though something was funny, despite Kara’s unamused appearance. The blonde fidgeted, wondering of Lena was waiting for her to say something in return. “I know you don’t talk,” she began, gesturing towards Kas who was busy sorting traded in games. “Kas mentioned it. You can type on your phone if you want, I’ll wait.”

Kara fidgeted some more. She unlocked her phone and found the notes app she used, typing quickly before holding it out to the stranger.  _ Sorry about that x_x You really startled me, actually. I’m sorry, that was so weird! >_< _

Yes. Kara used faces when she talked. She was pretty sure it might make it easier to get her tone across so that people wouldn’t confuse what they wanted to read and what she actually meant. One of the many tricks she’d picked up when it came to getting her point across over the years.

“Nah, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you. I’ve never played Borderlands though, I play a lot of fighting games though.”

This piqued Kara’s interest. She too enjoyed fighting games.  _ Fighting games? _ She typed quickly,  _ Like what? _

“Pretty much all of them. One of my faves is Injustice, though. You know the one with the Marvel heroes?”

Kara nodded, though she was still careful not to make eye contact. 

“I’m pretty good at it too. Some friends of mine and I all get together every once in a while and play. Even Kas is there sometimes and you’re welcome to join too sometime if you’d like.” Lena said, smiling. 

Now that Kara was getting a good look at her it was easier to see the confidence she was portraying. Her posture was terrific and she seemed absolutely sure of herself. Lena looked like the kind of person that Kara wouldn’t be able to embarrass even if she tried. The kind of person who was genuinely happy and fun. The kind of person Kara desperately would have liked to be friends with, or have in her life. A girl who shares her interests, that she could maybe, finally relax around. Sadly… that simply wasn’t her reality.  _ I don’t think that would be such a great idea… I’m sorry. _

“No, it’s fine!” Lena responded, “There’s no pressure or anything. I just wanted to extend the invitation. We could always play together just the two of us, sometime, though. I swear I’ll kick your butt.” she grinned.

_ Um, well, I don’t really know about that last part but… I guess we could play together, maybe, sometime, if you wanted?   _ She was growing more and more unsure of herself the more time that passed, less confident in her responses. Kara wanted to wrap this up quick. 

“Mind if I grab your phone for a sec?”

Kara subconsciously started pulling it away, holding it to her chest. This was her lifeline, after all. Her communication device.

“Hey, don’t worry. I’ll give it back, I promise. I just want to put my number in there and text myself so I can text you sometime. Would that be okay?”

Kara still hesitated before relinquishing the device. Lena had it for less than a couple minutes and when she’d handed it back Kara had a new number in her phone. She didn’t know what else to do so she nodded, hoping that would be enough to convey everything she meant to say. 

“I gotta head out but I’ll text you some time, sound good? We’ll play Injustice!” then instead of turning around and walking away she waited, staring at Kara except it didn’t seem like it was in one of those impatient ways. Most people, by this point in the conversation, were tired of waiting for Kara to type stuff out. With Lena, it didn’t seem that way. In fact, it looked like she was just trying to be polite, waiting for Kara to gather her thoughts and “say” goodbye. Kara offered another head nod and with that Lena was gone, waving bye to Kas too. 

Kas had a wolfish grin on her face, calling out to Kara in the empty store. “I have a feeling you two will really get along if you give it a chance. No pressure though.” 

Kara stared blankly at her phone. She had no idea how to process this. She knew the moment she got home she was going to ask some of her online friends about what to do, one, in particular, was one of the wisest people she had ever met. Yes, he would help.

Until then though… Kara would just have to walk home in disbelief that a cute girl had put her number in her phone. It didn’t mean anything. It definitely hadn’t been romantic or anything. Didn’t mean it wasn’t nice to have a nice interaction with a fellow human being, right? Yep, this wasn’t a big deal at all.

Heck. Lena would probably never even text her anyway. 


	2. Say Anything

**_2010_ **

 

Things were pretty awkward around the house after that first night I came out to my parents. There was nothing spoken, no one dared to speak about it actually. I could tell everyone was scared. My sister was scared, my mom was scared and even my dad was scared. I’m the only one who wasn’t scared, which strikes me as funny because back then I didn’t think I’d end up afraid of everything. I was brave back then, very brave I think. If I knew what was coming would I have been able to stay brave? Would I have done something differently? Rao, help me, I don’t know. It’s too late now and that’s always what I end up telling myself when I think about the many different paths I could have taken. It doesn’t matter anymore because it’s already been decided. At the time though, I wasn’t scared at all. I was just angry. No, angry actually isn’t enough to describe what I felt. There was something inherently wrong about what had happened and not just in one way. It was wrong, what Jeremiah had done to me. It was wrong that Alex and Eliza had sat there and watched. It was wrong that somehow I was the one who had ended up feeling terrible about the entire thing. If I was just angry I might have just gotten over it in a couple days. Instead this seriously affected me. It started a pool of undiluted rage deep in my belly that I was unable to get rid of no matter what I did. I walked around with a scowl, eyes narrowed. I wasn’t smiling anymore, or at the very least if I was it wasn’t a real smile. I was just so…  _ fucking _ upset. I didn’t even know where to direct all that rage. Under all that rage was pain but I didn’t know that yet. I just knew I was upset.

I’d delay going home after school, making a point to fly as far out as I could even though I wasn’t supposed to use my powers. I’d find some secluded area in a desert and just let loose, punching as hard as I could into the sand. I watched as the air grew dusty around me, covering me head to toe. On days where I was particularly fed up it wasn’t unusual for me to unleash my heat vision and turn large sections of the desert into glass just so that I could lose myself in the sound of it shattering. The sound of the shattering glass was a metaphor to me, representing the way my view on everything and everyone on Earth had shattered. I guess I was disgusted with my foster family’s behaviour, but I just channeled that disgust into further rage. It was getting to the point where even though I probably should have started feeling something else I’d remind myself of that night, just so that I could feel angry again. 

The days turned into weeks and I’d already decided deep down that this school year was going to be awful. My entire Grade 11 was essentially ruined, every second of my life was ruined as far as I was concerned and this is coming from the girl who woke up to learn everyone she loved was dead. As if making friends at school wasn’t already hard enough, the rage that was radiating off of me wasn’t making it any easier. I still had a few friends I spoke to, they’d text me every couple of days but my responses weren’t anything spectacular. The only thing I still had were the times I practiced with the school band. Let’s be clear here, I didn’t play an instrument or anything. I much preferred to sing. It was the only time that my head was clear. Clearer, anyway. I wasn’t the best singer or anything but it was something I enjoyed from time to time. I preferred singing in the shower, actually. There was no pressure there and I could sing whatever I wanted. Singing wasn’t a huge part of my life or anything, just something I found fun. It’s just ironic that I would eventually lose being able to do that. 

A plan was already forming in my head. I did briefly wonder if my sexual preference was worth causing a fuss over and it was in my rage that I decided it did. I’d lost enough in this lifetime that I wasn’t willing to lose my own identity, something I was just myself beginning to figure out. Even without the loss of my planet I would have fought for who I was simply because it was the right thing to do. Every time that somebody steps up and figures out who they are, the world becomes a better place. I believed that. I still do. I lapse sometimes but deep down it’s something that I will always believe. The real question was how did I fight? How could I show my dad that he could shove it? I needed to start out small, so I did. It started at school. Our school had a LGBTQ club. It must have been pretty recent, or something most people didn’t talk about because I didn’t know it existed until I went looking for it. The first time I walked into the room I was terrified but the outpouring of support I got there was incredible.

If you are in High School and you are gay and you know people who are having trouble accepting that I can’t state this enough. Seek support, surround yourself with a support system before something truly terrible happens. If you don’t it might eventually eat away at your self-esteem and once that’s all devoured the darkness will go after your soul, instead. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, in this world harder than losing who you are to hatred. That’s my experience anyway and if I could give anyone who knows what I went through any advice it would be that. Make sure you find people who can help you. That’s what I did and even though it wasn’t enough to save me… that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice.

The club wasn’t big by any means but that didn’t matter. Just knowing that there were other people who were like me was a huge relief. There was Nick, a gay boy with a bit of weight to him. He was still attractive enough though (not that I was interested myself!) and I think maybe it came from his confidence. This was a guy who didn’t care what anyone thought about him and I envied him because I was still trapped in my head, hoping my second father would change his mind.  There was Anastasia (no, seriously, that was her name) a gay girl, like me, except who was way better off because her parents accepted her fully. She was actually the one who started the whole club because she’d realized that others might not be as lucky as her. She was right, obviously. Then, finally, there was Chloe, a gay girl who was sort of in the middle. Her family approved but only kind of, they were having a rough time with it. When I went to the club I only briefly say Chloe and Nick, both rushed off to class and I was left with Anastasia.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to be feeling. Sitting there with a stranger, a pretty one I’ll admit but still a stranger, was awkward and I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to start talking or not. Since I wasn’t sure I focused on the girl without saying anything, instead I just observed. She was definitely kind of cute, a redhead too. Very, very ginger with lots of freckles. Jeans, T-shirt… There wasn’t anything outlandish I could focus on other than her hair. She was being patient though and for that I was grateful, offering me soft smiles every few minutes as we both shifted aimlessly. 

“I don’t know why I came here, exactly.” I started, pushing  a few loose strands of blonde out from my face, carefully tucking them behind my ear. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“That’s okay, Kara, that’s actually a pretty common reaction.” we were already passed the introductions but I hadn’t noticed when she first talked how bubbly her voice actually was. She was excited, for some reason I couldn’t comprehend. “If you’re here I assume you want to talk about… your sexuality?” that paused was timed perfectly, like she’d maybe had this conversation before. “Or maybe you’re regretting this and want to run out that door?” she gestured towards it with her head “Both are equally likely and they’re both okay to do.” she even quirked an eyebrow as she waited for me to reply. When I didn’t say anything for a minute or two she added “It’s okay if you’re confused.”

“I’m not confused.” I replied, probably a little more monotone than I should have. “I’m not confused.” I repeated but this time my voice quivered, I was worried she would think I was weak, that if I cried they’d be tears of sadness. I wanted her to know the truth. “I’m angry. I’m pissed off. I don’t want to- I…” I just stopped talking, suddenly wondering what the hell I was doing.

“It’s okay to be angry too. A lot of people are angry at themselves at f-”

“No!” I was almost shouting, but Anastasia didn’t so much as flinch. “I’m not angry at myself I’m angry at my family.” 

Her face softened before she let out a simple “Oh.”

“My dad. He was.... Upset. I don’t understand why. He screamed at me, sent me to my room. Before I said anything everything was fine. Now he won’t even look at me at home and I don’t understand what I did wrong!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

I frowned at that. If I didn’t do anything wrong, then why had Jeremiah been so upset. Did not compute. “Then why was everyone so angry with me?” 

“Sometimes people just don’t understand. Sometimes they’re just ignorant pricks. Honestly, I don’t know your dad well enough to say one way or another. It might just be too early, give it some time, Kara. In the meantime if you need any help, if you need support, or have questions that’s what I’m here for. That’s what the other two are here for as well. I’m really glad you walked in today and it would make me happy if we could make things a little easier on you.”

I was still angry but at least now I was angry and felt like maybe I had someone on my side. “Thanks.” I replied half-heartedly. I didn’t like to admit I needed help but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to talk to Kal yet and Eliza and Alex had both shown their true colors. There was no way I was going to talk to either of them. “I guess I have felt alone since this happened.”

Anastasia grinned and handed me a little pocket-sized pride flags, one of those adorable little rainbow ones. I smiled a little too as I held it between two fingers and waved it back and forth, giggling lightly. “I’m gay and I’m proud.” I half whispered to myself, almost to convince myself that I actually was. 

“That’s the spirit.” she reached over, and I swear to God, punched me lightly in the arm. “Whenever you’re feeling down you can take a look at that flag and know that you have friends here. I’ll give you my number, I’ll give you Nick and Chloe’s numbers too and if you need anything, I seriously mean anything, you text or call us.”

I nodded, it was all I could do. After I’d handed my phone over to her I looked down at the flag and I just remember staring intently at it, focusing on the colors. It was so weird, so surreal. The colors, I wanted my soul to be like that. That flag just… looked happy. I know that doesn’t make sense but that’s what I felt. It’s silly but that flag means so much to so many people and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I still feel a surge of pride when I see it hung on the back of someone’s car, or when schools have one displayed in classrooms. It’s a silent nod out there to all the people who are like me and all the ones, specifically, having a hard time with stuff. A reminder they’re not alone.

I spent more time talking with Anastasia but eventually class beckoned us. I was feeling hopeful though. Things were better but I was still angry. There was still a sense of injustice in all of this, something so unfair that I simply couldn’t let go. I should have dropped it because maybe then things would have turned out better but I couldn’t. I went home feeling devious and Alex’s face when I hung that little miniature flag on the wall by my bed felt like the first victory I’d gotten. That was a big mistake, though. I should have seen my first victory as reaching out but my anger left me so focused on righting the wrong done to me that I was focused on… revenge feels far too grandiose a word but I wanted to get back at my family. 

This was just the first step in everything I wanted to do. 

Jeremiah was going to fucking face who I was.

 

//

 

**_2018(July)_ **

 

It was so strange, the idea of waiting on someone to text her. Ironic, considering Kara spent most of her adult life waiting for people to text her back. She had become so needy, so insistent and just generally too much for people to handle. It was hard to maintain friends for Kara because whenever they didn’t reply to her it made her spiral out of control, made her think she’d done something wrong. It sent her mind on a non-stop emotional rollercoaster where everything was absolutely her fault. It was a dark place to be in and when she found herself trapped in there for days at a time it made everything else fade out, forced her to focus only on that to the point where her health would suffer. It was dangerous to her and nothing short of overwhelming for the other part involved, something she’d had to start coping with recently. 

It hadn’t been too long since she’d gone through just that. Someone she considered a good friend had had enough of her and completely blocked her from everything. If that were the only recent thing that had happened recently Kara wouldn’t feel so bad but a combination of recent events over the last year had really pushed her over the edge. She sometimes wondered if returning to her online game had been a wise decision because despite all the good that had come from it, it seemed like all the bad also had stemmed from returning there. Sure, before returning she’d had absolutely no friends, no one to talk to and walked around like she was a zombie. The blonde Kryptonian had been completely shut off from everything and everyone. So, when looking at it from that point of view it was easy to conclude that things were better. Except it wasn’t so simple.

Since her return to the game she’d gotten an online girlfriend who had mistreated her, which she still wasn’t entirely sure was the truth and was more concerned that she was the one who had mistreated the other girl. People kept telling her she wasn’t at fault but it was hard to follow that line of thought when everything suggested the opposite. That whole ordeal had led to her checking herself into a hospital for suicidal thoughts, which didn’t help much because not long after she threw herself in front of a car. She’d survived that, through some miracle, with a broken leg being the only major injury. She barely had time to recover, though admittedly she wasn’t even trying, before more things were thrown at her. Drama seemed to follow her at work and in-game. It all culminated with her being convinced to attend Alex’s birthday party, which her parents had been attending too. That, predictably, did not end well and had led to something of another emotional breakdown, followed by losing another really good friend. Factor in her first date ever had been recently, with a boy who’d stolen her first kiss, well... The last year had been a true hell and the entire thing had come to a head not too long ago, when it had been decided she’d be living with an in-house caretaker for her own good. She’d been upset about it for some time but between new therapy, finally taking meds for her various issues and just generally accepting that she needed help things were, for the first time, looking up. 

Looking back at the events of the previous year it didn’t surprise her she didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Listing everything out would make it seem she was seeking attention or throwing some kind of pity party for herself. She couldn’t have that and the best solution, in Kara’s opinion, was always the one that led to the least amount of people noticing her. She wanted to remain out of the spotlight, even if it meant being lonely. People didn’t usually notice her anyway, she’d kind of perfected being a wallflower. 

Which made the whole encounter with Lena that much more infuriating. Sure, Kas had admitted she’d played somewhat of a part in the encounter but that still didn’t provide Kara with all the information she needed. She was very much a person who needed to understand everything, understand the motives behind why people did things. Especially when it came to things with her. Knowing the motives still didn’t guarantee she wouldn’t be anxious and panic. Actually, nothing guaranteed that. Kara was basically never at ease, no matter where she went. Not even in her own house, not even in her own bed and especially not in her own head. She was a complete mess and only just beginning to even attempt to try and put the pieces back together. So who the hell did this Lena think she was to just casually approach her and act so nice and be so pretty? 

Talking to Sandy, aforementioned caretaker, was out of the question. Kara was still getting used to having her around. That left very few options, so she turned to one of the only friends she still had online. In fact, this person had become one of the most important people to Kara over the last year. He was directly responsible for getting Kara the help that she needed. He’d sort of taken the poor, broken girl under his care and though she’d never met this man face-to-face, Kara would most certainly not be alive if it weren’t for him. His words were those only of wisdom and he had this uncanny ability to analyze any given situation and come up with a solution. Maybe not always a full solution but definitely something to help. This was the man who was helping her not contact the friend who’d blocked her, to avoid coming off more crazy than she already had. He’d come up with a plan and promised to help her try and make amends when the time was right. His name was Mark and for the remainder of her life Kara would be grateful to this man. She was so, so thankful she had someone to turn to who could provide such sound advice and she would never, ever be able to repay him for everything he had done for her or ever be as good a friend to him as he had been to her.

Kas had also blatantly asked her if she had any intention of asking Lena out. Simply reading that had made Kara drop her phone and it had ended up sitting with the screen hidden on her bed for several minutes before she gathered the courage to pick it back up. She took a deep breath and less than three seconds later she’d already sent a message to Mark, asking for assistance. 

The more she thought about Lena the more intrigued she was. It wasn’t like it was love at first sight or anything but her personality, the way she’d treated Kara in those brief minutes had been downright intoxicating. There was this excitement that had come from just being around her and Kara did, if she were honest with herself, wanted to know if it was simply surprise from their meeting or if it was something from Lena herself. If she were to spend more time with Lena would she keep feeling excited? That was a normal question but just beneath that were the not so normal questions, the ones she was terrified would overwhelm her mind and ruin everything before anything even began.

If Lena did, by some miracle like her, which would mean Kara had read all the social cues right, which never happened, how long would that last? How long would Kara be able to act normal? How long until she put her foot in her mouth, metaphorically of course? Would it take just one time hanging out for Lena to realize how annoying it was to have to wait on someone who couldn’t talk? Kara had seen it too many times before, it started out as pity then drifted towards frustration and always ended with people being angry with her, despite warning them well in advance. Or would it again be something she herself did? Would she say the wrong thing or would she simply spam this person too much until they lost it? There was no option beyond those two, it was always one or the other. There was always an excuse to leave but never a reason to stay. 

Kara had figured it out a long time ago. She knew what she was, she was a toy. That was it, a toy. The only thing worse than being a toy was being a broken toy. People picked her up eagerly, so happy with their shiny new plaything. It never took long for them to realize that their new toy was in fact broken and once the discovery was made, well… people had no use for broken toys, so Kara was always put right where she belonged. Into the trash, with the rest of the useless, broken, discarded things. Where she knew she belonged. Was it too much for her to ask, that for once, her stupid brain let her act normal?

‘ _ Kas asked me if I’m planning on asking her friend out!’  _ She typed quickly.

‘ _ Ask her if you should, if she isn’t already seeing someone’ _

Rao, what did that even mean? Seeing someone… Kara hated that term, it was too ambiguous and she liked it when things were specific, spelled out for her. If things were spelled out down to the last deal there was less of a chance of her misunderstanding. What did Mark even mean with that. If she wasn’t dating someone but was only “seeing” someone she should still ask Lena out? Wouldn’t that just make Kara, the poor, helpless, virgin someone else that Lena was just “seeing”. That would bring up the whole virginity issue wouldn’t it? People don’t keep “seeing” the person when they don’t know how to do the thing they’re seeing them for. Stupid. Brain.

‘ _ Is that what you think I should say?’ _

_ ‘That’s probably what I would say. Something like “I can’t believe she’s not already seeing someone but that’s… intriguing. Do you think I should? She seemed really great.” but you do you.’ _

Ugh, how could Kara complain when Mark was so specific? Due to her not replying a new message promptly popped up on her screen.

‘ _ If you think you might be interested in getting to know her better and possibly dating her then you should move forward’ _

‘ _ I’ll ask Kate what she thinks >_<’  _ she sighed, resigning herself to her fate and unsure why she was even pretending she didn’t want to pursue this. She just didn’t want to sit there knowing it was doomed to fail. 

‘ _ Don’t seem like you’re not interested though.’ _

_ ‘I’m not not interested >_<’ _

_ ‘So you’re interested.  _

Kara swallowed nervously and as she composed her message to Kas she was practically shaking. She felt like she was going in a circle, like this was eerily familiar, too close to some of the mistakes she’d made in the past year. This seemed destined to be the beginning of another one and Kara wasn’t sure she could handle another blow, not one that could risk destroying her permanently this time. To make matters worse this Lena was someone she would know for real. If she got overwhelmed she couldn’t just turn her phone off and disappear. She’d actually have to deal with things like an adult and sadly… she was nothing but a child. She hit send, copying exactly word for word what Mark had said. The reply came almost instantly.

‘ _ Roflmfao she’s the one who asked me if you were seeing anyone first I think she’s interested.’ _

Kara’s heart fluttered for a moment. Lena had asked… first? Now, how did that make sense? That just complicated matters further and she groaned, burying her face deep within her pillow to huff softly. She held the air in her cheeks, puffing both out equally before eventually simply sighing and picking her phone back up. Too many things were happening at once, it was becoming overwhelming way too quickly. 

_ ‘Point out the irony/humor in that and mention you’d like to see her again.’  _ said Mark.

‘ _ Haha that’s funny. I wouldn’t mind seeing her again, we already talked about playing Injustice but haven’t talked yet today x_x _ ’ was what kara settled on for Kas.

They hadn’t. It had been almost twenty four hours. Had Lena already lost interest? Should Kara just drop this entire thing? Oh, no. She’d already done something wrong and they hadn’t even really talked yet!

‘ _ Lena is really friendly and single as a pringle. She spends most of her time working and other than that is usually gaming. She’s not really big into partying but loves concerts, usually goes to punk shows and stuff. She’s not weird or anything and I think you two would be cute. I know you’re worried. You were white like a ghost the whole time you guys talked in the store. If you give it some time I’m sure she’ll just make the first move lmfao. She thought you were fucking adorable. _ ’

The next fifteen or so minutes were a flurry of texting, switching conversations as she tried to figure out what to do. There was a whole other problem that neither Kas nor Lena knew about and that was the fact that Kara still technically had a boyfriend… that stupid guy. It was complicated, to say the least. She had been too chicken to turn him down, which had resulted in them going on a date. Kara couldn’t believe that Alex had set her up like that, though she still had trouble blaming her older sister. She just wanted Kara to not be so alone. Alex would never know how bad it had hurt Kara though, she would probably never understand what had been stolen from her.

Kara had lost her chance for so many of the other important firsts that her first date had become sacred in her mind. It was the only redeeming thing she had, the only thing she still had control over. That and her first kiss. Those two things were of the utmost important and they’d been stolen from her and she couldn’t even blame the boy. She could only blame herself for not speaking up, for saying she was actually gay. No, instead she’d said nothing, gone on the date and let herself be kissed. Then she just sat on the floor of the bathroom and cried about it like the big, stupid baby she was. How was she supposed to get over that one and she’d just reminded Mark of that. 

‘ _ That’s still a thing? Ffs get rid of him.’ _

_ ‘Fjdhojbho >_<’  _ Never had there been a more accurate representation of Kara’s brain. 

‘ _ Look… You’re going to have to trade being comfortable for a minute while you do that for your overall happiness and health. Tell him you’re  gay, do it in a text, who cares? Just wash your hands of it and move the fuck on.’ _

Kara flinched at the swearing, hoping Mark wasn’t actually upset with her.

‘ _ Then he’ll find someone not gay (or go gay himself) and you’re both happy.’ _

_ ‘Or go gay himself!?’ _

_ ‘Who knows? Maybe he wants some dick.’ _

_ ‘Oh my GOSH!’ _

To make things even easier Mark typed out exactly what she should say, because obviously Kara couldn’t do it herself…

‘ " _ Hey...I'm sorry that it's taken this long to speak up about it but something's really been weighing on my mind. You've been really nice to me and everything but I now in my heart that I'm just not attracted to men. It would be hurtful for me to keep this going without telling you, even though I would never want to intentionally hurt you. I really do hope you find someone who can return everything you feel for them." _

_ no need to be cruel but you do need to be honest and forward’ _

Kara copied it and sent it to the guy in question. Then replied to Mark properly, blue eyes threatening to overflow with tears. ‘ _ Thank you. Thank you for all your help…’ _

_ ‘All I ask is you let me officiate your wedding’ _

Reading that Kara smiled sadly, suddenly glad Mark was unable to see her face. She looked away from her phone, ashamed, currently ignoring the texts from her not-boyfriend. It had been such a nice thing to say, Mark couldn’t have possibly known it would tear Kara in two. There would be no wedding, ever. It was impossible, because that would imply someone would want to marry Kara… and even if someone were crazy enough to think they could handle subjugating themselves to that… Kara would make sure nobody ever got trapped with her like that. It was why even the idea of going on this date was entirely selfish on her part. 

_ ‘I’ve been… Kind of doing okay recently… I just… Don’t want to go back to being sad again… _ ’

‘ _ Then don’t. Let’s keep the ball rolling and I’ll be with you every step of the way.’ _

It couldn’t be so easy, there were too many things to consider. How could this possibly work? Kara was even leaving in a few weeks, she was going to visit Kal and Lois for the first time in over ten years. She’d lost complete touch with Kal and her biological family. What was she supposed to do? Start dating some girl and then disappear for a month? That seemed like a not very good way to start a relationship. Luckly, Mark had a plan for that too.

_ ‘alright, so.. _

_ Here's your checklist (in no order): _

_ 0.) Stay in touch but not too much, let her reach out to you as much as you text her _

_ 1.) Play Injustice with her _

_ 2.) Meet for lunch _

_ 3.) hang out in person _

_ \-----your French-Canadian vacation----- _

_ 4.) repeat the above _

_ 5.) find a punk show and buy two tickets _

_ 6.) Comic Con _

_ 7.) Go to a movie/dinner _

Oh, yeah, no. It was easy. So easy. Right. Because Kara was so good at following plans. There were way too many variables with Mark’s plan but all she could do was agree. Oh, she was really going to fuck this up… She always did. 

 

//

**_2010_ **

I wasn’t there when Jeremiah discovered the little flag but judging from Alex’s face it had been quite the spectacle. He’d torn it down, obviously. So I put another one up. He would take it down so I’d just get another one and put it up. I thought it was hilarious and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. He would scream at me, threaten to ground me but there wasn’t a fucking thing he could do. I was a teenage girl, I was invincible (literally) and had superpowers. He was fucked. I honestly considered just burning ‘I’m gay’ into the wall with my heat vision but that would probably be overkill. If this was a war, I was winning. Jeremiah even tried hitting me! Obviously he knew it would have no effect. Whenever he tried to backhand me I’d just smirk because it did nothing but tickle slightly. The look on his face was priceless. He couldn’t hurt me, other than with his words.

I’m hyping it up more than it actually was. Our encounters were rare, we mostly ignored each other and he’d just make sure to get rid of my “gay propaganda” whenever he could. I didn’t take the hitting me too personally because I was, well, invincible. That was the only reason he was hitting me. He might be angry and might hate gay people but I was still his daughter and I knew deep down he’d never lay a hand on me if I didn’t have powers. It was definitely still wrong, definitely emotionally damaging but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I just saw it as a way of taking his anger out and in my mind it was helping him slowly, Rao, so slowly, come to terms with the truth. That there would come a day where I would date a woman. I was wearing him down. I  _ was _ winning.

I was only winning until the day I woke up and I didn’t have my powers. I was only winning until, while I was asleep, he drugged me with some kind of Kryptonite anesthetic, had had me operated on and had taken away my powers. He’d installed some kind of chip under my hand. If I tried to take it out myself, chances are I would die. The Kryptonite made me weak, kept me from using my powers. What’s even more fucked up is I know there’s different kinds of Kryptonite. Superman told me. He could have used one that took my powers away with no side effects. Instead he chose the green variant on purpose. The one that would make me feel sick at random times, hit me with waves of nausea, would make my muscles ache so bad for days at a time that even moving was a struggle. He picked this. On purpose.

He’d crossed a line, now. I know, okay!? I know it doesn’t make sense but I was really pissed off then. I didn’t think I needed help, still. I had this. I was going to win because that was what was important. I wish I’d known back then it was just my childish mind speaking, that I was just being a brat, a teenage girl. I needed help so bad, it didn’t even fully hit me until years later how fucked up it was what he’d done to me, what he’d taken away from me. My powers were a reminder of the home I’d lost and because of his choices, they were gone. Not to mention who the fuck did Jeremiah known that could have pulled something like this off? That wasn’t something I could worry about right then. I was fucked.

I thought what he’d done was the biggest violation I’d ever face and I was so wrong. 

  
  
  
****


	3. Decided To Break It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize how slow this is going and I apologize. It's just difficult to write I guess and I realize it may be confusing or seem like it's going nowhere... But believe me each and everyone of these moments is important to Kara's journey. Next chapter we DO finally get the date though, but as you may have noticed we can't have everything be always happy, so with the flashbacks we'll also be taking a look at a different time period instead. Well, the same time period... We'll be going back a month, before Kara met Lena to deal with her other date. I thought it would fit to have both running side by side, thematically anyway. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around everyone!

**_2010_ **

 

To say I was upset about what Jeremiah had done would be nothing short of an overstatement. It’s all I can think to say about it though because I can’t think of the exact string of words I could put together to describe what I felt at that moment. Nausea was definitely one thing I felt and I don’t think it was only because of the Kryptonite that he’d had surgically implanted under my skin. What did my powers even have to do with my sexuality, actually? Nothing! My powers had nothing to do with my sexuality so taking them away was definitely some sort of control mechanism from him. It also takes a special kind of sick to pull shit like this. For the life of me I don’t know why I even still cared what he thought of me but I did. I cared a lot. I wanted revenge for sure, I wanted to make Jeremiah face who I was, accept my sexuality but it wasn’t necessarily to hurt him. It was because I wanted to go back to being a family again. I’d already lost one family and the thought of losing another was unimaginable to me. If only super intelligence were part of my powers. Or maybe if I’d been able to recognize true evil when it was staring me in the face. Ironic, isn’t it? When that’s kind of what my cousin did everyday. 

I stomped my way downstairs that morning, making sure each footstep echoed loudly through the house. I wanted everyone, not just Jeremiah, to know how fucking angry I was. I wanted them to know I was fuming, that if I had my powers I would tear this fucking house down wall by wall, demolish it and then burn it so that absolutely nothing remained. When I walked into the kitchen and found everyone sitting there eating breakfast like it was a normal day it just made me that much angrier. How the hell could everyone be acting like everything was normal when my life was falling apart? I grabbed the nearest chair and knocked it over as hard as I could, hard enough that under normal circumstances it would have gone through the wall and probably into a neighbor’s house. A neighbor a street away. Or maybe in another city. I don’t actually know how strong I’d been before. 

Jeremiah was there, face behind his newspaper. The smug son of a bitch never even looked up to greet me. Alex and Eliza didn’t even react. Okay, untrue. They reacted, each wincing slightly and seeming a little more uncomfortable. I briefly wondered if they’d know about what daddy Danvers had intended to do but I don’t think even they would have remained silent about that… Would they? That wasn’t the important part anyway. “Good morning, Kara.” he greeted from behind the paper.

A wave of nausea hit me then. What exactly did this thing inside of me do? Was it because I’d just exerted myself? Did adrenaline or a fast heartbeat release toxins inside my system that made it impossible to draw power? It wasn’t enough that I couldn’t access my powers? Now I would be punished for even attempting to? 

“Good morning!? Good morning!? Are you fucking sick!?” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I must have looked demented. 

“Kara maybe you’d like to sit down and eat some breakfast?” Eliza offered in some kind of fake-cheerful tone that only stoked the flames of my rage. She pushed a plate towards me, already it was covered in eggs and toast and hashbrowns. The idea of eating made my stomach turn and even if I was hungry I was too angry to worry about food. I slid my palm against the table and sent the plat crashing into the wall nearby. “No, Eliza, I don’t want any fucking food!” I retorted, using as sarcastic a tone as I could… and I was a teenage girl, so it was very, very sarcastic. I almost felt bad because she genuinely seemed shocked and Alex just seemed… Terrified. 

Jeremiah finally reacted, sighing and putting his paper down. He adjusted himself in his chair and stared at me but his gaze was different, so different from what it used to be. He wasn’t looking at me like I was his daughter anymore. This was the first time I felt, truly, like an alien. Like some freak from another world. It was also the first time I’d been made to feel unwanted in my own foster home. Well, beyond the petty sister squabbling I had with Alex. “I know you’re probably upset but I think you’re old enough to know that there’s consequences to your actions, Kara.”

“Consequences!? Is that what this is!?” I held my hand up, showing off my brand new scar (my first one, in fact). “You put kryptonite under my skin you sadistic  _ monster _ !” My voice actually cracked near the end because saying it out loud to him, to his face, was more heartbreaking than realizing what he’d done. Part of me had hoped I would come down and it would have been a misunderstanding but there was no more running from the truth anymore. Showing off the scar and saying the words also had the additional effect of confirming that neither Alex nor Eliza had any idea what the hell he’d been planning. They weren’t saying anything against it though. 

“Once you’ve started acting more like yourself again we can discuss having that removed. Until then think of it as being grounded, it’s not so different really.” He actually managed to say all that with a straight face.

“It’s completely different and unrelated, Jeremiah!” I snapped back as quickly as I could, “You think putting this shit in me is going to stop me from liking girls?” His lips pursed together slightly and I knew I’d hit a nerve. I felt like I was finally hitting back so I wasn’t about to lose my advance. “You think this’ll stop me from wanting to kiss girls?” the angrier I saw him get as I spoke the less angry I got. It was like a scale, keeping things in balance. We couldn’t be angry while the other was, not while locked in this contest of wills where winning meant the other person’s ultimate misery. “You think this won’t make me think about girls? Or the fact that I’m  _ gay _ .” Saying that brought a thrill to me and he actually stood.

“No daughter of mine is going to-”

“Fuck another woman?” I cut him off, finally grinning. “Oh, yeah. You totally know it’s going to happen don’t you?” I asked, before venomously spitting out “Or do you need me to draw you a diagram of what it’s like when two women  _ fuck?”  _ the blood was draining from his face as he approached me and I actually chuckled. Eliza had gotten up and moved towards the opposite wall, eyes wide with fear. “If your stupid God had wanted us to not do that maybe he wouldn’t have made it feel so  _ fucking good!” _

“Kara, this is your last warning.” he growled, each word was a strain to get out and I could tell. That just made it so much more exciting, that initial thrill I’d felt only grew and pushed me further down this path.

I laughed before going on, eyes narrowing and taking as menacing a step towards him as I could. “What’s the worst part, Jeremiah? The fact that I’m gay or knowing that I’m going to sin under your roof, right up those stairs beside your daughter, potentially corrupting her too? Or maybe when you’re not home I’ll just use your bed inste-”

I never finished getting those words out, though we all know what they would have been. If I’d had my powers none of this would have mattered, it would have been fine. Rao, I’d have been able to dodge without any issues. I was human though, strength wise. A weakened human at that. I didn’t even see him raise his hand but he backhanded me so hard I hit the floor with a wide, terrified look on my face. I couldn’t see my face but I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have looked more shocked if I’d tried. This also confirmed something I’d feared since our initial confrontation… the night he’d hit me, that initial night, he’d done so maliciously. It wasn’t just a way to vent his anger he’d meant to hurt me. I wondered if that was what had made him weaken me in the first place. 

My anger was gone, I couldn’t find it in me to be angry at that moment though I knew it would return later and that it would burn brighter than ever. “You hit me…” was all I could think of to say at that moment though. I raised a hand and rubbed where he’d hit me, right on my eye, essentially. It stung, not just physically but it hurt something inside of me. I’d be hit many times after that but none would be as damaging as that first one. That first time my father backhanded me was the first time I lost something precious to me, things would never be the same after that. Being hit by someone who should love you unconditionally, biological or not, is something someone who hasn’t gone through it will ever be able to understand but I’m trying to explain it anyway. It’s one of the biggest betrayals a person can ever face and one of the most damaging. For a parent to be angry enough to strike their child like that? How much anger do you think the average person has to hold to do something like that? Probably a lot… and to have it directed at you no less, to know your own family feels that way about you will break you in ways you will never understand. 

Here’s the thing though. Most people won’t believe me when I say this. I still don’t believe it all the time. I have to remind myself everyday. I didn’t do anything wrong. There is nothing on this planet I could have done to deserve what Jeremiah had just done. It was not my fault, none of the following times would be my fault either. I wish I could convince my past self of that. I wish I could make her feel better and protect her from everything that was coming but that’s impossible. Instead I have to spend everyday looking forward and trying to regain what was taken from me. It’s difficult but not impossible. One day… I’d like to think I’ll be whole again. In that moment though? I was just a scared, literally defenseless, broken girl. I was so shocked, so hurt that I couldn’t even bring myself to form tears. 

“I warned you, Kara.” he said and he actually had the audacity to sound like he regretted it too. “You’re going to be late for school if you don’t get going, girls.” he went on like things hadn’t just completely changed. He sat back down and went back to his coffee and to his breakfast. Eliza sat back down and did the same. Alex just grabbed her back and as she walked by muttered “We should go, Kara.”

“Yeah…” I replied softly from the floor. I picked myself up and went upstairs to change as quickly as I could. After I’d gotten changed I walked by the mirror in mine and Alex’s room and saw something I never had before. My eye was starting to bruise up, the underside already turning to an odd shade of purple. Or maybe it was more blue. I poked at it softly and it didn’t hurt but I was sure it would in a little. I took a shaky breath and placed my hands on the dresser, looking down at the white of the wood, my gaze getting lost in it. I think I was there a good few minutes before I looked back at myself in the mirror, my face scrunching up unhappily. That was another first. It was the first time I’d look at myself and kind of hate myself. I didn’t recognize it yet but part of that anger bubbling inside was directed at me… If I didn’t like girls none of this would be happening, right? So part of it was definitely my fault, in some twisted way. If I weren’t the way I was then Jeremiah wouldn’t have wanted to hurt me.

I took another breath, though and told myself that everything would be okay. Then I went to school.

 

//

 

**_2018 (July)_ **

 

Everything had happened so quickly after her phone conversations with Mark. She was still trying to figure out how everything had happened but she couldn’t even worry about it because she had to get ready. She had a date. She had an actual real life date. This one was even with a girl. An actual real live human girl who actually existed in person and was incredibly beautiful. She had reread their entire conversation at least a hundred times in the last ten minutes, searching for any sign that she had been weird or clingy somehow. She wanted to make sure she didn’t screw it up so it was ironic that worrying about not screwing something up was usually how she ended up screwing something up. You’d think that would be enough for Kara to figure out that she should try not worrying so much but then that just made her worry more! Truly it was a vicious cycle she would have to break if she wanted everything to work out. She’d better learn fast.  _ I’m not going to read it again.  _ She told herself but of course it was a promise she’d never keep. That’s how she was. 

First Kara would tell herself, promise that she wouldn’t do something. She wouldn’t reread a conversation, she wouldn’t message someone just one more time to make sure everything was okay, she wouldn’t forget to eat or drink, she wouldn’t cut herself, she wouldn’t hurt herself. All of her promises always ended up being hollow because moments after she would promise herself something she was there breaking it. The moment she’d thought of not checking her phone again it was practically fate that she would. It took less than ten seconds for her to grab her phone and anxiously pull up the texts with Lena. She’d lucked out in a sense at least, because Lena had texted her first. 

_ ‘Kara Danvers! What are you doing tonight!?’ _

_ ‘Oh. Um. >_< Nothing. Super boring right? I was just catching up on some comics…’ _

_ ‘I like your face. Wanna grab a drink or something? Do you drink?’ _

_ I drink Pepsi.’ _

_ ‘You’re too fucking cute.’ _

To any normal, sane person all of this would probably look good on paper but to Kara’s broken, twisted mind there were a few red flags that had her anxiety operating in overdrive. The texting her first was obviously some kind of fluke, right? No a mistake. Or wait, maybe it was actually all some kind of cruel joke? It could be. She hadn’t known Kara for more than a day or something though… It was possible she’d been stalking Kara for the sole purpose of hurting her, maybe? Yeah, that made sense. It didn’t make the most sense though, no. Kara wouldn’t have been surprised if it was that but the one that made the most sense was that she’d probably texted her by mistake.

Of course, if Kara had stopped to think for even one moment she would have realized Lena’s text had started with her name, making it incredibly unlikely that she had mistakenly texted her. 

I like your face was the second red flag. Why her face? Does that mean she didn’t like the rest of Kara? Had there been something wrong with her? Had she been dressed too provocatively when they met? Or maybe not provocatively enough? Or maybe it was sarcasm? Her face wasn’t anything special. She saw it in a mirror everyday and knew how completely unattractive she was. Why would Lena even like her face? Her hair was a mess, she almost never wore makeup unless she had to, she had an atrocious sense of style and when she had to wear her glasses she looked like a big ‘ol dork. That and she was completely useless just in general. Also, she couldn't’ fucking speak! Why did people keep on forgetting that…?

Again, as sad as it was all of these anxiety fueled thoughts made more sense to Kara than just accepting that maybe this girl actually liked her. 

After hyperfocusing on that part of the conversation she’d moved on to the next part.

_ ‘Uh, if you still wanna go somewhere though you should know that I don’t drive. And don’t know where to go. X_x So um, yeah… >_<’ _

_ ‘I really don’t mind picking you up. I know you said you get nervous around people but if you think you’d be comfortable we can go downtown? It’s summer so you know how much is going on down there. Or we can just try to find the local sea monster.’ _

Kara had to admit she had smiled at that. She’d moved out to this little, garbage town in order to get away from her old life and also be closer to Alex in the process. She thought Alex would protect her somehow but their relationship had deteriorated somewhat over the years. Still, she was the only family member Kara talked to anymore. 

The town Kara had picked was actually pretty far from where she’d grown up. It was a little town that consisted mostly of rich kids going to university, which completely ruined the housing market for anyone who’se father wasn’t paying the rent. At her job on campus it wasn’t rare to see many expensive cars in the parking lot and Kara had seen firsthand how those university kids behaved. They were all entitled and rude, sometimes even downright cruel. During the summers it was a disgusting, burning mess. The nearby forests would catch fire and cause the entire region to be engulfed in thick, grey smoke which would choke all life out of its inhabitants. It was ironic what a tourist destination the place once considering it was literally on fire every summer. Finally, the only other noteworthy thing about her city was that it had its own lake monster. Most people called it the Champ. 

_ ‘Okay. Okay, yeah, sure! Uh… I need time to shower and stuff though, because, like, the heat… But sure! Can you give me, like, until 8:30?’ _

_ ‘’Yeah I’ll do the same. Shoot me your address? You work at the uni right? Are you close to there?’ _

_ ‘Oh, no. I live on Cedar. It’s really close to the 7-11 if you know where that is…’ _

_ ‘No shit! I actually live nearby. I’ll be there at 8:30’ _

From there Kara had gone to shower, change into something that she hadn’t been sweating in all day and had been seeking Mark’s reassurance every few minutes, which he graciously provided. He kept encouraging her to go for it, telling her she should have fun, giving her dating advice.It was all very helpful but couldn’t ease Kara’s anxiety, though it wasn’t his fault at all. Kara’s anxiety was a never ending, mental struggle that left her constantly exhausted. Jokes had been exchanged about Kara getting laid which only made the entire thing more awful for her because there was absolutely no way she could let that happen. 

She was ready, theoretically. Not so much in reality. She was going to fuck this up so bad, no matter how bad she didn’t want to. What would be her excuse this time, for ruining everything? How would she justify another failure in her life that was already completely full of failures. She’d have to worry about it another time because her phone buzzed, which meant it was time. She walked to her front door and left the house looking, not like a girl who was going on a date, but a girl who was about to be hung. 

//

 

**_2010_ **

 

Look I’m not sure exactly what to say at this point. If I start describing my day to day it’s going to get real repetitive, real fast. So we’re going to be going in chunks from here on out. I was lost, I didn’t know what to do after my foster father hit me. I mean, I don’t think there’s anyone out there who would have known exactly what to do. I went to school that day and tried to act like nothing had happened. People asked me about my eye and the people in the LGBT club had some definite suspicions about what had happened but I refused to confirm one way or another at first. I spend that first day in a haze, just thinking about what to do. Eventually I just got angry again and that’s when everything just… Sort of went to shit. 

The next few weeks were fine I guess. I got closer with my LGBT friends and sort of started losing some of my other friends. It wasn’t like I didn’t like them anymore but how could they understand or relate? They were all fine, they all had perfect lives with their perfect, stupid not dead families that loved them. I started pushing them away because I didn’t want to be reminded of what I lost. Sure, you could argue my LGBT friends could have reminded me of what I lost too, except unlike the other people they were in a way better position to understand. None of them asked specifically what was going on, though I could always tell they wanted to. It was just one black eye so it wasn’t a big deal. Also, one black eye didn’t prove anything. They were always on the lookout though, checking for any new bruises or anything. They weren’t subtle about it but I don’t think they wanted to be. I was glad I had them as friends but I was always holding back because of my deteriorating home life. 

Jeremiah didn’t hit me again, not right away anyway. Things pretty much just went, more or less, back to normal. The only difference is I was basically ignored by him. Eliza still treated me normal and Alex just looked confused all the time and I couldn’t blame her. I sometimes forget she’d seen a side of her dad she’d never seen before either. I should have talked to her about it but I was too focused on myself. We didn’t discuss anything, not for at least a week. We didn’t talk about anything after either but I did start pushing back. I would attach little rainbow pins to my backpack, or make offhanded comments about how I’d hung out with a pretty girl in school. I never got so explicit, not as I had when I’d gotten Jeremiah’s wrath and it wasn't enough for me. Sure, it was kind of satisfying but it wasn’t like the rush I’d felt when I’d made him so mad he looked like he’d seen a ghost. I always think of this part of my life as ‘stand-off phase’. That’s what we were, we were in a standoff. No one was making any big moves. For every inch I’d push, Jeremiah would push back. Those pins would mysteriously disappear from my backpack, and he’d shoot me disapproving glances at my comments. 

This was all a calm before the storm though as I planned my next move. I was going to really piss him off. I wasn’t exactly sure how yet but I was. I don’t remember exactly when it happened but at some point in those weeks following me getting struck I’d already decided, I’d made up my mind… I’d decided to break it and boy… I was going to break it good.

 


	4. Alive Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this took longer than I thought. It's also longer than I thought but this one was an important one. I'm sorry if you're all bored! I know it's probably hard to read this when there's so little dialogue but I promise I'm doing my best! Both of these events explored in this chapter were so important to Kara. I know it seems like I went on talking about that kiss forever but...Do you remember your first kiss? How long did you think about it? A long time, I bet. I know I did..Hehe...Sorry, making myself smile a little. And that change to present tense at the end wasn't a mistake either. It's symbolic remember? That night was the first time Kara felt like herself after so long. It was when she started viewing herself as a person again. Sure, Lena's a big part of it but she'd been working on herself too. Lena can't take all the credit but she can take a big portion. Kara'sdoing her best at this point. After hitting her lowest lows she's finally trying to get help, she's in therapy, she's on meds and she's ready to listen and believe she's worthy... I lik eit anyway! As usual thanks so much for sticking around!

**_2018(July)_ **

 

As far as Kara could tell nothing seemed amiss as she approached the car. Her face did scrunch up slightly as she approached though, eyes squinting as she narrowed the gap between herself and the car. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about the car, nothing noteworthy at all in fact. Kara didn’t know anything about cars, all she could say about Lena’s car is that it was blue. It was a nice shade of blue at least, blue wasn’t threatening. Not usually. At least it wasn’t a van. The fact that Lena was actually sitting in it meant the car was not likely to blow up. That had, in fact, been a legitimate concern for the blonde alien. This could still be a trap, it definitely could. It was likely, even, wasn’t it? This wasn’t the kind of thing that happened to her.

Kara did wonder for a second how other people, normal people, would approach the car which contained a very beautiful woman that wanted to take them on a date. They’d probably approach it eagerly, smiling the whole way there. Maybe they’d blush or try to seem coy as they made eyes with their date, each wondering where the night may potentially take them. Kara had heard there was a sense of excitement that came with a date, especially a first one. Would you make a connection with that person or would it become nothing but a horror story you told future dates? Either way, most people viewed the experience as a good thing! Kara? Not so much. She approached the situation with a sense of dread. Honestly, she was surprised she hadn’t puked on her way to the car. She tried her best to seem casual as she walked up to it, through the walkway of the quadplex she lived in, pulling the gate open and shutting it carefully behind her and the whole time she felt like thousands of eyes were upon her, silently judging her. 

Then when she finally reached the car she yanked at the handle only to find the door unmoving. She frowned and yanked again. Was she pulling it wrong? Had her fingers not dipper into the handle enough? Was she actually not opening it at all? Why wouldn’t the stupid door move!? Her eyes were staring downwards at the empty passenger seat of Lena’s blue care and she was left completely mortified. Then she heard a faint, but audible, click which signaled that from the other end of the car Lena had unlocked the door. It had been locked the whole time and already Kara was beating herself up for not realizing that sooner. When she yanked at the door again it opened and Kara took the empty seat as her own. She buckled herself in, placed her hands in her lap, her fingers tapping silently on her knees. 

“Crazy how we live so close together, don’t you think?” Came Lena’s voice from just beside her. 

Kara still occasionally opened her mouth to answer someone, only to choke and find that no words came to her. This usually happened at the most inopportune times. This was one of the times. Instead of some kind of normal response the only thing that came out was a noise akin to a gurgling. That unique sound that comes from halting your words after you’ve decided to say them. Something most people weren’t too familiar with but Kara knew intimately. Her cheeks had definitely reddened immediately after that and she reached for her phone on her lap but of course it wasn’t there. She’d wanted her hands free while approaching the car, so she’d stuffed it in her pocket. She inhaled sharply and quickly reached for it within her pocket, pulling it out and quickly typing ‘ _ yes!’ _ and shoving the thing towards Lena’s face. 

Rao, this was already off to a disaster. She’d already ruined everything. In less time than it had taken her to actually walk to the car she had blown up the entire evening. Kara had managed to make herself look absolutely stupid, bring attention to the fact that she was unable to speak and probably a thousand other things Kara could figure out if she actually thought about it for more than a second. Lena would ask her to get out any second, she was a freak… People didn’t want to go out with the weird mute girl… The-

The car started, Lena was getting ready to drive. How was Kara supposed to get out of the car while it was moving? Or perhaps that was her punishment, something to make her regret the poor behavior she’d displayed since their evening had began, if it could even be called that yet. Kara had shut her eyes at some point, she felt like she might break down sobbing at any moment… When she felt a hand on her shoulder she jumped but the action did make her turn towards Lena for the first time that night. The girl was just smiling at her, nothing special. Okay, so her smile was dazzling and somehow beautiful and intimidating at the same time. It looked genuine though. 

“Relax, it’s fine. Say the word and I’ll bring you home whenever you want.”

Kara nodded slowly, after very, very carefully inspecting Lena’s face. She searched, as hard as she could, for some sort of tell… She wasn’t just looking, she actively wanted there to be some sort of tell in Lena’s gaze. Something that would confirm all of her suspicions, something that made it apparently that Lena wasn’t actually into her, that she was a murderer or at the very least someone who was very mean. Kara couldn’t find anything like that though. The only thing she found was a beautiful smile. 

When presented with that smile what else could I do but smile back? 

 

//

 

**_2018(June)_ **

 

June was always a particularly hellish month for Kara, considering that was the month of her birthday. As a little girl Kara had always loved her birthday. Back on Krypton she’d had lots of friends after all, her birthday back then had no bad memories attached to it. There was nothing but good memories of her birthdays on Krypton. A day to be surrounded by friends and loved ones, a day to celebrate her life - oh, how Kara had loved life back then. She’d been a happy child, she always had a smile upon her lips. She’d been full of spirit and fire and was always ready to jump feet first into whatever adventures may await her, always willing to stand up for her friends and those who couldn’t stand up for themselves. Yes, life had been good for the young Kyrptonian. Then she’d come to Earth and lost everything. Twice.

On top of everything her birthday was actually the next day.

Kara had thought the battle for her sexuality had been won a long time ago. The price had been far too high and she had lost  _ way _ too much in that specific war but there was solace to be found in the fact that the fight was over. She was bruised and broken, Kara would never be the same again and in the deepest parts of her being she knew she’d never truly be happy again… but it was over, at least. The fight was over. Never again had she thought she would have to justify her interest in girls. It didn’t matter much, she knew she was destined to remain alone forever, there was no one out there to complete her. There was no one out there that could mend or fill the shattered pieces of her being. It was okay though because it would never be an issue again. So she had thought.

Until Alex had decided to set up this stupid date for her. Kara hadn’t even had it in her to argue. She didn’t have the strength or energy for any kind of fight. She couldn’t spend her life fighting to prove she liked women and she knew it wasn’t even exactly like that for Alex. Alex knew she was gay, she didn’t mean anything bad by this. How was Alex supposed to know the further damage this would do to Kara’s psyche and her soul? So when Kara was informed she had a date with this desperate boy who always tried hitting on her on campus while she worked all she could do was solemnly nod and accept her fate. 

The boy didn’t seem like a bad person by any means but Kara would never truly be attracted to him. It was impossible, didn’t anyone understand that? Didn’t anyone care!? Why was it so hard for people to understand that she liked girls, women!? Was it such a foreign concept for people to understand that it was easier to deny it or force it out of people? Whether she kissed the lips of a man or a woman would it truly affect the world in such a way? Could her preference on gender really ruin someone’s life so intensely? Could she really be damned for eternity for something that seemed completely beyond her control? There wasn’t any control anymore, there was only a never ending spiral and no matter how much she tried it was always downwards. If she tried to claw into the side of the chasm her nails would break, then her fingers. There was no stopping the descent either.

This was all her fault, somehow. It was her own poor decisions and sins that had led to her being in a dark movie theatre, on her first date, with some stupid (probably very intelligent), gross (he actually seemed pretty clean) boy! It wasn’t as though movies were something Kara didn’t enjoy, if anything they were one of her favorite activities. What was there not to like? Talking was completely absent, in fact you barely had to interact with other human beings at all. The most interaction one had to do was ordering popcorn and such and thanks to the marvels of recent technology Kara could all all that from her phone without needing to utter a single word. What a truly marvelous time to be alive for a gay, mute alien who spent more time hating herself than any regular person could handle. Sometimes, instead of hurting herself though, she would go see a movie. While sitting in the darkened room, where it was acceptable and encouraged to ignore everyone around you, she was transported to a different world. Her favorite were superhero movies, like the ones they made about her cousin or the fictional heroes created by the minds of humans wishing that they too could be extraordinary. It was nice to get lost in a fictional world where most problems could be solved by the time the credits rolled around. Sometimes seeing a movie could be the difference between whether or not Kara would get to sleep free of night terrors that night. 

What was currently happening though? It was disgusting, a perversion of everything she loved about going to the movies. She felt bad for feeling that way, another testament to how broken her mind had become over the course of her teenage life. She was reduced to a guilty mess for her inability to be attracted to men, she had truly come to believe the lies, she’d systematically trained herself to hate herself for being unable to have romantic feelings for men. How unfair was that? How twisted and fucked up? Why was she made to feel guilty, why couldn’t this guy, Josh, be the one to feel guilty? Why couldn’t he feel bad that he was pushing this onto her? The extent of Kara’s guilt was not speaking up but was that enough to warrant what she was feeling? Was it justified that as she felt this man put an arm around her shoulder, making one of the most generic moves anyone could on a first date, she felt like she might vomit? There was that feeling of violation bubbling deep in Kara’s chest again, it never fully went away but at times she was able to keep it at bay. As she was pulled into this, essentially, stranger’s shoulder it took everything she had to not retch or gag. She stifled a sob deep in her throat, she kept her tears at baby. No, she wouldn’t cry, not today, she’d promised herself...No matter what happened, even if she was losing her chance at a real first date.

After everything she’d lost Kara had been determined that if she were ever to have a first date it would be perfect. She’d been building it up in her head for almost a decade, it was the only thing she could have for her own after everything that had happened years ago. After the horrors she’d endured she was allowed to want this one little thing out of life, surely it wouldn’t be too much to ask that her first date be perfect?  _ If _ she happened to meet a beautiful girl that would like her, then this girl would take her out. She would dress up so beautifully! She’d dress modest, of course, her body was far from beautiful but this mystery woman wouldn’t care. They’d do all the things she’d seen in movies. They’d go to dinner first, maybe play footsies under the table. They’d laugh and this mystery girl wouldn’t judge her once for being unable to speak. She’d be respectful and beautiful and after dinner they’d go see a movie. After the movie this girl would take her back home and on Kara’s doorstep she’d have her first kiss. The world would explode, her brain would explode as her senses exploded with the feeling of that first kiss, the feeling of two sets of soft lips meeting. She’d lose herself, moments would feel like blissful hours as she relished in the feeling of that first, wonderful, blissful, incredible, perfect kiss. Also, she’d be super good at kissing the first time without any practice because she had to! That was a for sure thing, no doubt about it!

This wasn’t her first date! This wasn’t how things were supposed to go, the pain was supposed to be over, everything was supposed to be okay. No, this nightmare had to end… except every time Kara opened her eyes she was still in that movie theatre, with that same arm around her, forcing her face to remain blank. Josh squeeze her against him again and she tensed. No, this  _ was _ reality and as always… Kara’s reality was hell.

 

//

 

**_2018(July)_ **

 

The drive downtown proceeded in silence, mostly. Kara actually wondered if she were doing something wrong and that was why Lena didn’t want to say anything. It was more likely, in this situation, that Lena was more interested in focusing on the road. It was hard to see, the forest fires had been raging extra hard over the last few months and visibility was at an all time minimum, as was air quality. The only reason Kara was capable of entertaining the thought that Lena’s silence wasn’t her own fault was because she had to believe that Lena valued her own life and safety at least, if not Kara’s. When they did finally reach downtown, which felt like an eternity later and had left Kara particularly sweaty, something she hoped her date wouldn’t pick up on, Kara was left to wonder what the plan was. She hadn’t actually thought they would get this far, truthfully….

It was once they’d both gotten out of the car that Kara got a good look at Lena finally. Rao, she actually was incredibly attractive but not in a traditional kind of way. Her hair had bangs but only on one side of her face. It wasn’t tied up in a ponytail, like Kara’s was, but in more of a bun tied at the back of her head. She was wearing a black, loose wife beater. Funnily enough it had the logo of the school where Kara was employed. Her nails were colored some kind of shade of blue. Her bottoms consisted of sports shorts, they were black like the top but had one line of blue going down the thighs. What really drew Kara in thought were Lena’s tattoos. Her entire arm seemed to be tattooed. What was it called again…? Ah, yes, a sleeve! She had a sleeve and the most interesting part of that, to Kara, was that it was done in the style of a comic book page. Her arm was decorated with little squares, it didn’t seem to be telling a story or anything just an homage but it was interesting none the less. Truth be told, though even Kara hadn’t realized it yet, she loved the tattoo from the moment she saw it.

The most impressive thing for Kara was that Lena wasn’t dressed to impressed. She hadn’t dressed in nice clothes or any such thing in order to blow Kara. It was confusing, truly. Weren’t people supposed to dress impressively on a first date? Sure, Kara was wearing the most basic of basic outfits… a regular shirt, jeans, her hair was just a ponytail… Normal people weren’t like her though, usually. Was Lena’s outfit choice a signal that she wasn’t that interested in Kara and was not taking the date seriously? Perhaps it was more of a statement that she just didn’t care what people thought about how she dressed. Only time would tell.

The silence persisted though, up until Lena paid for the parking and then with a gesture of her head invited Kara to walk along the street beside her. The blonde refused to be caught off guard once again so her phone remained clenched tightly in her hands, already open to a notepad app which she could write in at her leisure. Oh, yes, she would be damned if she was going to look stupid again. Stupider than she already looked, anyway. Silence wasn’t inherently bad but surely there had to be more to this than silence? Kara followed at Lena’s side, keeping her focus firmly planted on the ground before her, fidgeting with her phone the whole while. 

“You don’t have to force yourself to say anything. I hope you don’t mind… Kate actually mentioned a few things about you. Like the fact that you have anxiety?”

Color drained from Kara’s face, though even without Kate ever mentioning anything Lena probably would have been able to figure out that she had anxiety. That didn’t make the reveal any easier though. She was trying to think of something to reply to that when Lena spoke again.

“It’s okay. I actually have a lot of experience with social anxiety. You don’t have to do anything or say anything you’re not ready to.” there was a repressed laugh, Kara was sure of it. “Say being a figure of speech of course.”

As she typed her reply Kara never missed a step, she’d grown very good at being on her phone while paying attention to her surroundings over the last few years.  _ ‘Oh, gosh, she didn’t have to say anything! I’m sorry!”  _ she angled the phone, allowing Lena to read it. She then quickly erased what was already written and replaced it with  _ ‘If this gets annoying or something…  You can tell me >_< It’s totally okay! I mean, a lot of people don’t like it or get tired of it really fast. It’s not the easiest way to communicate.’ _

There was an almost smug smile on Lena’s face once she finished reading Kara’s message, though Kara could have sworn a tinge of sadness was also present in that gaze. Kara’s date seemed to be considering her words very carefully and when she did reply she spoke much slower than she had been before. “I can’t imagine anyone getting tired of this, Kara. You’d think people you talk to would be more understanding of your situation, don’t you think?”

_ ‘Well, it’s not their problem… It’s my fault for not being able to talk…’ _

“Yeah, except I have a feeling the reason you can’t talk isn’t your fault at all. I won’t get annoyed tonight at all and like I said you…’ an amused smile played itself across Lena’s lips “... say the word and I’ll take you home right away. No hard feelings no fuss. Sound like a plan?”

Kara could do nothing but nod. The terms of this date were suddenly a lot more reasonable than expected and though she were reluctant to admit it, it did put her mind and anxiety at east. A little. Which was better than none, right? 

“Kate didn’t give me any details or break your privacy, I swear. She just mentioned you’ve had it rough and still do sometimes at work.”

Kara shuddered slightly. A first date was far too soon for her to go into details about her work life. What else could she talk about though? Her past was out of the question, both of her pasts Earth and Kryptonian. High school had sucked, her entire life had sucked up until this moment and it was still sucking because she was on a date with a pretty girl and had nothing to say, even if she had she couldn’t actually say it, could only type it so what the actual hell was she supposed to say?

It didn’t help that downtown was so busy. Everywhere they walked they had to navigate their way through noisy crowds. Families walked by laughing and talking despite the smoke, and lovey-dovey couples walked arm-in-arm with that puppy-eyed look in their eyes which just made Kara feel self conscious. She shouldn’t… People didn’t do that on first dates anyway, did they? She was pretty sure… Hand holding was an acceptable thing though! She glanced at Lena’s hand. Even twitched her fingers as she mentally prepared to reach for it. Then…  _ NOPE.  _ Definitely not gonna happen, she wasn’t going to ruin an okay night with her silliness. She hadn’t realized it yet but that feeling of dread had dissipated, and the horrible feelings she always had, all the time, at all hours of the day and night were not consuming her thoughts. Were she to realize it she would overthink it to death but as things stood… It was just a nice break from actively going out of her way to hate herself.

_ ‘I think everyone has a hard time at work, though.’  _ she finally clicked away.

“That’s probably true. I work as a bartender and I honestly love my job a lot of the time. It’s not always ideal but usually it’s pretty fun. I get to talk to all kinds of people, listen to some bagin’ music and just have a good time. Also means I make some kick ass drinks if you ever want to try some.” 

‘ _ Yuck! I can’t drink alcohol. It makes me gag.’ _

“That’s only because you’ve never had a good drink, I bet.”

_ ‘Na-huh! Alcohol tastes like sweaty socks.’ _

“Maybe you shouldn’t be putting sweaty socks in your mouth, Kara.”

Of course, Kara flushed to a deep red. 

 

The small talk went on for a while and Kara was pretty proud of herself. She was holding her own she thought. Each moment that went by was another moment where things were going right and soon the embarrassment of the beginning of their night was all but forgotten. Kara’s fear wasn’t going away but without even realizing it the fear she’d felt had changed into something else entirely. It was still fear but for the first time in her life she was experiencing that first date nervousness, that exhilarating feeling as you talked with someone and learned about them. It was nerve wracking and made her feel nauseous in a good way all at the same time. It was proof that beyond that initial judgement on that person’s physical appearance you were attracted to their personality too, something Kara had never gotten to experience before. The most amazing thing for her, though, was that it all felt so… Normal. She didn’t get many chances to feel normal but there were never any signs of hesitation coming from Lena, no twinges of annoyance, no facial expressions betraying anything bad. She read Kara’s messages completely, with such intensity and focus it was easy to tell, even for the skeptical Kryptonian, she was truly interested in everything she had to say. 

By the time they’d reached that ice cream parlor, conveniently located right by where locals accessed the lake, they’d actually had a decent conversation and Kara hadn’t caused any drama, as far as she could tell. When Lena had mentioned ice cream, the blonde had been fairly certain that this was where they’d go. This place was famous, they made their own ice cream everyday and though Kara hadn’t gone often since moving here even she had to admit it was delicious. In the summer this place was usually packed, as it was currently, so they probably made bank. Kara did her best to avoid touching people as they waited in line, she’d written down what she wanted on her phone far before they’d reached the front. Bubblegum, so simple and lame but it was her favorite. She wasn’t much of an ice cream person as it were but sometimes, in small doses, she didn’t mind it. She pushed her debit card toward the machine, and Lena gently pushed her wrist away.

“I don’t think so Kara.”

Kara quickly typed, as quickly as she could while Lena dug her own card out of her pocket  _ ‘Oh, no, please! Paying for this ice cream is the least I can do!’ _

Lena giggled “The least you can do for what? I asked you out, so do you mean it’s the least you can do for keeping me company? Because you’re already doing plenty.”

_ ‘Please let me pay?’  _ she tried in a final attempt but Lena was already tapping her card to the machine.

“I insist. I want to thank you for coming out with me tonight and I get the impression you don’t get treated out very often, so let me do this.” Lena’s words were final somehow but not at all in a harsh way.

From the ice cream shop they walked along the pathway by the lake, walked past the big sculpture of the lake monster, to which Kara pointed at it, one handedly typing out to Lena that they’d found it after all. It had brought this laugh to Lena’s lips again and she’d just given Kara this look as though… as though she understood. It was a look that said “Oh, that’s so Kara” and the poor blonde didn’t understand because they’d only known each other for a day or so, so it was way too soon for Lena to be having those kinds of thoughts to her but for once Kara didn’t mind. She ate her ice cream under Lena’s watchful gaze, so very aware that her date would see each facial expression that crossed Kara’s face.

It was something Kara had developed without even trying, probably a subconscious reaction to trying to make sure people understood what she meant or an attempt to not have to pull out her phone to type something. Over the years she’d perfect speaking with nothing but her face, she made all kinds of expression which she considered silly but Lena seemed to be studying. For example, when biting into her ice cream it had been far too cold for her. So cold, in fact, her teeth had hurt. Her mouth had shifted into a perfect ‘o’ like she was inhaling sharply and the hand she was holding the ice cream cone with had flailed slightly. If she was enjoying the ice cream the corner of her mouth would twitch as she forcibly held back a smile. Her eyes would widen ever so slightly each time she cast her gaze out on the lake and she’d come completely still each time she saw a jetski pass by in the distance because she would imagine that feeling of having the wind through her hair. Lena studied and appreciated each of these little quirks, trying to decipher the meaning to each one. Kara was this interesting, complicated book to her. If one were to ask Kara she would probably say Lena was viewing her as a science project or pitying her but nothing could be further from the truth. No, Lena was admiring all the ways Kara could express herself while imagining the  ignorant buffoons who just didn’t get it. She thought she could grow to understand Kara. That even if they couldn’t be in a relationship (it was possible, sometimes people just weren’t compatible) they could still be friends. Kara looked like she could use a friend, at the very least. The dark haired woman wasn’t sure quite how she knew that but it was just a feeling she had.

Lena gave the blonde a chance to finish off her ice cream and took the opportunity to talk about herself a little, especially since Kara was less than forthcoming with information on herself. “I love to draw, I’m pretty creative I think. I like making things. Art, drinks, people happy. To me they’re just all different forms of creating something and creating things is hella tight. I play guitar, I sing and I try to not be too much of a bitch to people. I’m blunt and straightforward but that’s only because I don’t feel like I want to waste any time. Time is limited in this life so we have to treat each moment precious, it’s why I’m careful about how I spend my free time.” 

This touched Kara a little because one of the ways Lena had chosen to spend her free time, on this night anyway, was taking Kara out. 

“Full disclosure Kara I can tell you haven’t had it easy.” Lena sat on the edge of the lake, still on the stone path. If she wanted to she could have dipped her feet into the water. Behind them was a park and people were playing frisbee, walking their dogs and just generally enjoying their lives but to Kara it felt like her and Lena had carved this little bubble where only they existed. “I have some experience with social anxiety, I’m on meds for that kind of stuff so I get it’s not easy. You’re handling going out really well tonight but I’ll admit I’m saying that without full knowledge of your limits. I thought you might like to hear it anyway. I try not to judge anyone and just so you know I have no issues with you not talking. For someone who doesn’t talk, Kara, you sure have a lot to say.”

Why was Kara wiping stray ice cream onto her pants as Lena said that to her? Why was Lena looking at her so intensely, why were their eyes meeting when the dark haired girl had said that? Couldn’t Kara have been doing something not so childish while they talked? Obviously not, because this was Kara but a girl could hope, couldn’t she!? Her heart skipped a beat as she stared into Lena’s eyes and she swallowed nervously. She had a lot to say…? What did that mean? Eventually, Kara would learn that it was a compliment. Lena had been telling her that she was expressive and she liked it. In that moment though, Kara’s brain had turned to mush. She wasn’t sure what to say. Kara hadn’t even realized she’d started shaking, like, noticeably. She was nervous and scared and now that she was starting to enjoy herself she was even more worried about ruining it. She couldn’t hit the keys on her phone properly, she was making so many typos and she knew Lena was waiting to read whatever she had to say and what if it was lame…? She had to calm down, she had to take a deep breath, she was ruining everything again! Why was she fucking up so bad? Come on, Kara...Come on, just, for once don’t be stupid! She wanted so badly to stop her hands from shaking, to just type something, to reply, to not fucking freeze up, to be perfe-

Lena yanked the phone from Kara and placed a hand upon her shoulder. She squeeze and kept her eyes on Kara’s. “Hey. Take a deep breath, everything is okay. I don’t know if taking your phone was the right thing to do, if it didn’t help and made things worse take it back from me, please.” she paused, waiting for Kara to potentially take it back but the Kryptonian didn’t move. “I can see you starting to panic so here’s what we’re going to do. We’re both going to take a deep breath and then we’re going to live in your world for a while, okay?”

Kara frowned. She had no idea what that meant. 

“For a while, you and I, we’re going to sit here without saying a word. I’m going to be as mute as you are. We don’t need to stress, we don’t need to talk. Let’s just sit here and look at the water and you can hold my hand if you want? If you need your phone it’ll be on my lap.” she opened her palm and Kara hesitated before putting her hand in Lena’s but the moment she did she felt so much better. 

 

//

 

**_2018(June)_ **

 

Kara was coming off as rude, she was pretty sure but by the time their movie had ended all she wanted to do was get home. She was so sick of the entire night she actually couldn’t wait to get back home, collapse in her bed and not fall asleep because she knew she’d be having nightmares if she did. Throw in the fact that in a few short hours it would be midnight, meaning it would be her birthday, she was done. She wanted, needed, to get home as soon as possible and when Josh’s car pulled up in front of her house she couldn’t have been more relieved. The boy followed her to her door, she didn’t really mind, she didn’t think too much about it. She was in no mood to try and communicate though, didn’t even try to pull out her phone as she unlocked her door. She couldn’t be bothered. They’d, well he, had already done the whole ‘I had a great time tonight’ bit and she was pretty sure this was all over. Then she felt the tapping on her shoulder and upon turning around Kara lost something else she’d never be able to get back from this boy.

His lips found hers and her back hit her front door. Her eyes widened in horror as she realized what was going on, as he kissed her. She hadn’t expected this, hadn’t had time to dodge, hadn’t had time to react, hadn’t been asked if this was okay. She tried telling herself it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t have known, for him a kiss probably wasn’t a big deal but for her it was supposed to have been everything. There were no fireworks, no bliss, no mind mushing.... Only disgust. The thought of pushing him away had crossed Kara’s mind but what was the point. What was done was done. He’d taken it. Her first kiss. The only thing she had left to give and now she had nothing, was useless. Her arms slumped first, then her shoulders and the rest of her body. Her arms just hung limply at her side. She felt his lips moving against hers as she remained perfectly still and each seconds his lips were on hers were another second where Kara actually felt like she was dying. There was a distinct, sharp pain in the middle of her chest and it was something she knew all too well. It was the feeling of her heart breaking again, the feeling of utmost loss. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to feel it again because she didn’t think she had anything precious enough to lose but in a sick twist of fate the world had proved her wrong yet again. 

When Josh had finished and mentioned he hoped to see her again soon Kara entered her home. She was no longer in a hurry. She shut the door behind her and leaned back against it, staring blankly ahead like a zombie. She simply stood there, between the top floor and basement of her home and inhaled sharply.  _ Stop it. You’re not going to cry, you idiot. You’re not. You promised.  _ She mentally screamed at herself for several minutes but as always the promised was broken. First her eyes burned as she tried to fight it, then as the first tear fell she clenched her fists tightly because she’d let herself down again. Then the feeling of his lips on her mouth hit her like a wave of despair crashing down onto her. It pushed her down emotionally, and mentally until it affected her physically too. She slid down against the door until her butt hit the floor and curled her knees to her chest right there as the hot, salty tears stained her cheeks and dribbled down onto her clothes. Her face was probably soaked in a matter of minutes and she sat there for hours upon hours, sobbing aimlessly into the emptiness of her apartment. There was nothing and no one for her and now any chance she’d had at love was gone too. No more firsts, anything that could have been special was stolen from her and she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed… Kara sobbed until all the tears in her body had been spent and she wasn’t able to create anymore. She sobbed until she was coughing and gagging and nearly puking in despair, she sobbed as she realized she’d be miserable forever and some stupid boy she would never love was probably the best she could do anyway, she sobbed until the clock struck midnight and it was officially her birthday. 

_ Happy birthday Kara _

She thought bitterly, and that thought had taken the rest of her emotional willpower. After that all she did was sob and sob and sob and sob….

 

//

 

**_2018(July)_ **

 

Kara was beginning to believe that Lena had experience with anxious people. It was almost like she was trained to deal with it or something. Kara wasn’t aware of it but the whole evening Lena had been employing tricks to put Kara more at ease, had shifted her body language to help Kara feel more comfortable and she’d done it all because she wanted to, because she was enjoying herself and because she wanted to know more about Kara. Something had drawn her to the blonde alien and she wanted to figure out what. Neither knew it but their views on Kara were so different it was scary. Kara thought she was stupid, Lena thought she was adorably silly. Kara thought she was ugly and Lena thought, truly, that Kara had some kind of unique beauty not shared by anyone. Kara thought she was a freak, Lena thought she was unique. Kara thought she was broken and useless and Lena only saw someone worthy of being loved. Everything Kara did was absorbed by Lena and noted in her mind, not out of malice but for future reference because even though Kara didn’t know it then Lena had already decided at that point in the night that she would want to see Kara again. 

They’d spent time without talking and when Kara had gotten her phone back she was still nervous but feeling a lot better. She was still sweating profusely and shaking but it was in a different way and Lena was well aware of this. They spoke of video games, Lena’s family, the worst dates they’d ever been on… Lena had even mentioned that she’d lost some of her family upon realizing she was gay too. Not all of her family and now her parents didn’t even care but  it had been rough for a while. She was grateful it had all worked out. They’d spoken about Kara’s upcoming vacation and had even broached the subject about how they should see each other once Kara returned. Kara was surprised she’d been comfortable enough to share her story about the date she’d been on just a month ago. Lena had shaken her head.

“You know it totally doesn’t count right?” she asked

_ ‘It doesn’t…?’ _

“Fuck no! If you didn’t want to be kissed it doesn’t count at all. You’ll know when your first kiss counts, Kara.”

_ ‘I...Will…?’ _ Her eyes undoubtedly eyed Lena’s lips. 

Lena laughed a little and raised Kara’s chin, keeping their eyes on each other, she brought her face dangerously close to Kara’s which just made the blonde freak out even more. Her phone was all but forgotten, she wouldn’t have been able to type anyway and she swallowed audibly. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Fuck. Lena asking was the hottest thing Kara had ever witnessed in the entire fucking history of her life. And she nodded, she felt like she shouldn’t but she nodded yes. She’d lost so much, lost everything more than once and she knew how selfish she was being and how wrong it was to be selfish, she knew this would come back to bite her in the ass in some surprising way, knew she’d have to pay for reaching out and trying to get something she wanted but when Lena asked her if she wanted to be kissed… She nodded yes.

This was completely different than her last kiss, her first kiss. She’d fully expected to not feel anything. She was dead inside, after all. That’s what she’d been telling herself for years and was always surprised when something hurt her. Imagine her surprise when something actually made her feel good? Actually good was an understatement. Lena didn’t even fully kiss her at first, no, her mouth just hovered close to Kara’s and made the poor, expectant blonde shiver in anticipation. Rao, she wanted this so bad…

Lena’s lips passed over her own, barely touching her and then she pressed them forward, lips coming together. This time there were fireworks, endorphins exploded inside of Kara’s head. Kara didn’t even know she could feel good anymore but fuck this felt good. It wasn’t even necessarily in a sexual way it just felt… Good. It felt good to be kissing someone, a girl no less, someone who seemed to like her, someone who wasn’t recoiling from her, who didn’t think she was gross, who wanted to be around her. Oh, there were fireworks, her entire body lit up in a way it never had before. Her extremities tingles with newfound sensations and her lips felt like they were on fire, burning as Lena’s mashed against her own. Everything melted away, there wasn’t even any nervousness or fear it was all being overridden by the fact that she was having her actual first fucking kiss with a fucking girl and fuck Josh and fuck his kiss it didn’t count but this counted and fuck and after only a few brief moments of their lips being together without moving Lena made it even better.

Lena’s lips started to move into something Kara would eventually learn was called a lip lock. Lip locking was incredible. It was raw and intimate in a way Kara had never gotten to experience and she did her best to keep up but it was for naught. Lena’s lips moved expertly over Kara’s, almost like they were caressing Kara’s mouth in warmth and affection and Kara never even realized when she put a hand on Lena’s shoulder. She did her best to move her mouth in time with Lena’s, to lock their lips together but her timing was always off, she wasn’t quite getting the rhythm down but Lena didn’t mind at all. The truth was Kara probably looked like a seal fighting over a grape, she looked ridiculous and if she could have seen the whole ordeal in a mirror she would have cried. Sobbed because of how ridiculous she looked. Luckily there was no mirror and her eyes were closed.

They hadn’t been kissing very long, despite the fact that to Kara it felt like they had. Kara would eventually conclude that while kissing someone time flows differently. Like, scientifically she actually believed that because it had been only seconds but she could have sworn they’d been at it for hours. After kissing so long she also realized she probably wasn’t very impressive. Her doubts and fears were beginning to creep in and were attempting to ruin what was one of the happiest moments of her life so before her anxiety could take this away she did what any young woman who had never kissed anyone, who had only seen kissing in movies, but wanted to impress them would do. She shoved her whole tongue into Lena’s mouth. Suddenly. The whole thing. And just kind of...Swirled it around. Lena kept up with it at first, a small gasp escaping her. She didn’t move though then she started lightly shaking and then she pulled away, laughing.

The best part though? Even though she was laughing Kara wasn’t left feeling stupid. There was something about the expression on Lena’s face, the joy, that made Kara feel like she wasn’t being laughed at. That was a first but also very nice. It did not, by any means, mean she was not embarrassed. She was mortified, horrified, terrified. She was every kind of fied she could be. Her cheeks had shifted to tomate hued color and she pointedly looked away. 

“So you’ve never done that, huh? You really weren’t kidding.” came Lena’s amused voice, while still somehow seeming completely non-judgemental. 

I huffed lightly and violently shook my head from side to side. The kissing was over but the moment was not, no, this was still part of the kiss in its weird way. This little moment was carved out just for me and Lena and it was kind of beautiful. I hadn’t felt like myself in years, many many years but here I was with someone laughing in my face and I was actually able to tell myself that she wasn’t laughing at me. How amazing is that? Okay, to people it probably seems like not a big deal but to me it was incredible. I didn’t even know it yet, it was something I would only realize later as I was telling Mark about my night. That was how things should be, it should be easy and filled with laughter and fun. People shouldn’t judge me, and when you go on a date with someone you should have fun. Those were all things Lena taught me that night, in one night Lena had made me feel more alive than I had since high school and for a few moments, a few kissing filled moments, I felt like a normal girl again. I forgot about my anxiety, my trauma, my pain and the darkness. It was all gone, lifted by this stranger I met in a game store who asked me on a date randomly that I’d said yes too. She kissed me and made my heart beat again. Did I mention she was a girl? Not a boy, but like a girl! A girl, girl!

Hello!? Are you not listening, dummy? I was kissed by a girl!? A fucking girl!? An actually cute fucking girl who made it look like she liked me!? I was kissed! By a girl! Oh, man, it’s so… Baffling. I felt so free in that moment, in this strange moment of levity with Lena on the edge of the water in our little town that was covered in smoke and if my words here are coming out jumbled and not making sense that’s only because that’s how I felt in the moment and for the rest of the night. I will always be thankful for that kiss but I’ll always be even more grateful that Lena didn’t make fun of me when I shoved my tongue in her mouth. 

Literally I did that. I might as well have gone “BLEGH” and penetrated her mouth with my tongue without context. I did that. And I didn’t feel bad. I was happy. I got to make a mistake, a normal, human mistake and not be judged and I kissed a girl! Yeah, I’m talking about it a lot and repeating it but cut me some slack. Seven years of shit, or something like that. A month ago I thought I’d lost my first kiss but now i’m told it doesn’t count? That this counted? Yeah, I was excited so you can live with a few paragraphs of me gushing about my actual first kiss with an actual girl who was cute!

I won’t bother boring you with the rest of the night. We didn’t kiss again that night but Lena did promise she’d show me how. We talked for a while longer, about a ton of stuff and I actually had a lot of fun. She brought me home and I invited her in, forgetting to mention I meant to play Injustice. She quirked a brow at me and made it seem like I invited her in for some sort of inappropriate purposes and got me all flustered again. I remember typing so fast, desperate even… 

_ ‘No! That’s not what I meant! Not that you’re not pretty or anything….! It’s not like I wouldn’t think of it! Not that I’m thinking about it at all! >_<fniudugfihfdui No, no, no! I’m not...BLEH!”  _ I was actually flailing as I tried to type my feelings out but Lena just laughed again and said calmly.

“I’m not going to come in tonight Kara, even if I like you a lot. I’m not one to sleep with people on the first date anyway but even if I was I wouldn’t sleep with you tonight Kara.”

I frowned at that and just like that my feelings were hurt. It was something with me specifically she didn’t want to sleep with? Was it my appearance or...What was it? I knew I’d spend the night picking apart every little thing about myself until I found out what was wrong with me but I’d never be able to find it. I don’t even know why I was being such a baby about it, I didn’t want to sleep with Lena that night anyway. Lena seemed to read my mind… no, she could tell how I felt from the look on my face I bet.

“Hey, no, it’s not what you think. Kara if I sleep with you tonight and you leave on that vacation for a month… can you look me in the eyes and tell me you’re not going to pick apart every little detail about what it did and didn’t mean?”

She was looking at me so intensely again and bringing up such a good point… I shook my head because she was totally right. If we had sex tonight I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it and not in the good way. I was leaving on vacation in less than a week and if we had sex right before I left it would send my anxiety into overdrive and I’d lose my mind, the way I always did. I’d ask her over and over again what it meant, and she’d give me an answer I wouldn’t believe and then I’d ask her t justify her answer until she just couldn’t take it anymore and would never talk to me again. If she was… If she was saying all this though, if she was asking me all this… Did she know I’d do that? How did she know? And more importantly...Why did she care about my mental well being so much…? 

“I want you to enjoy your trip, Kara, don’t overthink anything about tonight. I really hope you had fun. I don’t know if I’ll have a chance to see you again before you go but if I don’t I’ll be here when you get back from Metropolis.”

I nodded, and I probably still had a sad look on my face because…

“Kara. I’ll still be here when you get back. We can go on another date. I promise. I’ll even teach you how to kiss. But that’s why I’m not coming into your house tonight. Because I actually had a good time and I like you. Nod if you understand…?” her voice softened as she uttered those last words.

I nodded though. I was having a hard time believing what she was saying but Rao I wanted to and when i got back into my house I watched her car drove away. That’s right. She made sure I got into my house safely before driving away. She wants to see me again. She likes me. I… Wow. But the best part… I kissed a girl and I liked it. I really liked it. This was the best night I’d had in forever.

Yeah, tomorrow I’d wake up feeling insecure again, I’d go back to not feeling like myself but that was okay. One good date, one good night, one incredible kiss was never going to undo years of mental trauma and pain I’d endured, one good night wasn’t going to fix the underlying issues I had with my hatred of myself. It would take years, probably and a lot of therapy (which I actually had therapy the next morning!). It was okay that tomorrow I’d wake up and feel like absolute shit again but do you know why? Because I was trying. I was actively trying. After the date I had with Josh I was really done. I did something incredibly stupid on my birthday and that’s how I wound up with Sandy living with me to keep an eye on me. I’m glad I survived my birthday. If I hadn’t I never would have met Lena. I was still going to have a ton of bad days and a ton of bad nights but… I had one good one. Which was more than I could have said before that night.

Also, did I mention I kissed a cute girl?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Should I be starting another story? Probably night but... This one is kind of personal to me, for a number of reasons. I still plan on finishing everything, it's just hard for me to focus on one thing at once. I hope you all understand, and I hope you all give this a chance and join me on this journey. This is a story about anxiety, and consent and selective mutism and a bunch of other things in that category. It's not happy. Or at least, it doesn't start that way. I'm hoping it ends happily though. I want it to, anyway. 
> 
> I'm also doing that thing where I split it up again. I can focus on different periods of trauma for Kara while she tries to heal. I didn't think it would be very fun or leave me in a good headspace if I went through years and years of bad stuff and saved all the good stuff for after. Like this, there's a balance. 
> 
> Finally, the chance from first person to third is meant to be symbolic, of Kara feeling like she's lost herself. By the time we hit 2018, she doesn't feel like herself anymore and I wanted that to reflectin the writing.
> 
> Finally, leave comments, please? I love them and they really help me. Furthermore, if you wanna contact me just let me know in the comments and we'll make that happen! Always happy to chat with people! Thank you, everyone!


End file.
